Marlowe Dobbe

The President of the United States has 16 sexual harassment and/or assault allegations against him. Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore has nine allegations of either “dating” or sexually assaulting minors as young as 14 when he was in his 30s, including multiple reports of him trolling the mall.

The RNC continues to support both men. In fact, just this week, the group decided to continue giving financial support to Moore after initially rescinding it in light of the initial allegations. So they seemingly drew a line at what they would or wouldn’t support, but then erased it and re-drew it elsewhere.

So where is that line now? Good question!

The party has recently released their list of activities that a candidate may engage in that would preclude the RNC supporting them. We offer it up below:

The Official RNC “Dealbreaker List” (Don’t Do It!)

• Recycling
• Murder*
• Serial murder*
Game of Thrones spoilers
• Doing a genocide*
• A dude kissing another dude
• Giving money or a sandwich to a homeless person
• Driving a Subaru
• Serving in the Peace Corps
• Being Muslim (or using muslin fabric)
• Eating kale
• Reading a book
• Writing a poem
• Possessing a (or borrowing someone else’s) moral compass
• Pedophilia*
• Bestiality*
• Cannibalism*
• Eating well-done steak without ketchup
• Smoking dope
• Working for or donating to an environmental nonprofit
• Camping
• Hiking
• Eating gorp
• Any hippie shit whatsoever
• Believing that police brutality exists
• Speaking a second language
• Going to Europe in college
• Practicing yoga
• Work meetings alone with women (unless they’re underage)
• Not having dead eyes
• Feminism
• Racism (Just kidding! Of course you can be racist!)
• Following other cars too closely in traffic
• Running a child porn ring from the basement of a pizza parlor*
• Knowledge of or respect for the rule of law
• Answering direct questions
• Supporting entitlements
• Supporting tax breaks for the poor
• Supporting the poor
• Recognizing that poor is a thing you can be

*Unless they’re running against a Democrat

That’s it! If none of these things apply to you, then the RNC wishes you luck! And will give you a crap-ton of money. And introduce you to Satan. It’s a perk.