Marlowe Dobbe

It’s January 3, and by now, you’ve probably thrown in the towel on your New Year’s resolutions. And by “towel,” I mean the literal towel you were supposed to take to the gym every day but are now using as a dish towel because you have so many dishes to do because of the constant eating.

I get it. I’m right there with you. 

I know I’m generally a Debbie Downer (Angry Agnes?) in this column, but with this New Year, I’d like to try and help you actually reach a goal. Here’s how you do it: aim low. 

“Oh, okay,” you might say. “That makes sense. Instead of saying I’ll work out at the gym every day, I’ll say I’ll work out at the gym more.”

No. You’re not understanding me. I said “aim low.”

“Fine,” you say. “I’ll work out at the gym a couple times this year.” 

Goddammit. What did I say?

“I’ll think about working out at the gym, but instead sit in the parking lot and watch Search Party on my phone while eating a cheesy Quesarito from Taco Bell?”

Bingo. Small, realistic, and achievable goals are the key to starting to feel good about yourself. And the only way to know for sure that they’re achievable is to make a goal to do the shitty thing you’ve been doing all along. Once you reach that goal, you can set another one that’s adjacent to that one without moving the needle so much that it signals your brain or body to go into fight or flight mode because change is a-comin’. 

After you’ve accomplished the car TV and Taco Bell goal, your new goal is to step out of the car the next time you go to the gym and watch people coming out while eating your Quesarito. Because standing is healthier than sitting. 

Here are some other goals you’re welcome to steal:

☐ Clip my toenails before they hurt passers-by again

☐ Breathe regularly and involuntarily

☐ Nap more

☐ Have hair

☐ Think squirrels are cute

☐ Eat a Brussels sprout one time 

☐ Don’t cry at work every day

☐ Wear underwear periodically

☐ Don’t wish bad things for our congressional leaders unless they’re benign, like long lines at the DMV or getting one of those tiny weird pieces of cartilage when they bite into their hamburger that they have to fish out of their mouth while eating across from someone they want to bone

☐ Remember that you have a cat

See how easy these are? I know it’s setting you up for failure, but I challenge you to come up with your own list of resolutions and set a goal to follow them for the first few months of 2018, until you’re ready to set new, infinitesimally larger goals.

As for myself, I’m off to eat fruit salad in the gym parking lot. #SlightlyMoreAmbitiousSquadGoals

Happy New Year, y’all.