Marlowe Dobbe

As the 60 Minutes interview with adult film star Stormy Daniels approaches and President Trump’s legal team attempts to block it from airing, some have expected the president’s evangelical support base to wane. But just the opposite has happened.

Trump is accused of having an affair with Daniels in 2006–just four months after the birth of his son Barron with his then-wife and current archenemy, Melania.

“What a lot of people don’t know is that Joseph had an affair with a porn actress when Jesus was just three months old,” says Clyde Gittendorfer, a lifetime evangelical and staunch Trump supporter.

“And Mary, well, she just rolled her eyes and says, ‘Boys will be boys, I guess!’” Gittendorfer’s wife Barb chimes in, “At least according to Matthew 1:25, addendum A7.”

Barb holds up a copy of her Bible, now with pink, blue, and green draft revision sheets stuck between the original pages.

Barb and Clyde have been receiving Bible Updates from the National Organization of Partisan Evangelicals, or NOPE, since Trump was elected in November 2016.

“I have to say, it’s been real interesting,” Barb says while flipping through the new pages. “We’ve been reading the Bible our whole lives, and these new edits, well, they’ve taken a LOT of the pressure off!”

“You better believe it!” Clyde adds. “Luke 6:31 says ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is pretty difficult, let’s be honest, but...”

Clyde pulls out a light green revision.

“...unless they’re Mexican,” he reads as he points to the words. “Now, it’s right there in black and white. Well, black and green, but you get the picture.”

Other revisions include the 12 apostles forming a real estate investment trust to purchase a block of condos in lower east Judea; Jesus’ three marriages; and “The Real Lesson of the Burning Bush.”

When asked to elaborate, Barb tears up a little.

“It’s beautiful,” she says. “So in Exodus, Moses sees this bush burning, right? But it’s also NOT burning. And that’s because it’s the Lord doing his thing.”

The Burning Bush addendum states: “And the Lord said unto him, ‘Nothing means anything. And don’t believe your eyes or ears or brain.’”

“Done and done!” Clyde smiles as he puts the addendum back in his Bible. “This makes things so much easier.”

Clyde and Barb are just two tiny droplets in the wave of support for Trump’s nascent 2020 Presidential campaign, but as long as new addendums keep flowing out of NOPE, their numbers will continue to grow.

Do they think anything would ever cause their support to wane?

“No way,” Barb says, shaking her head. “We know another fella who was also crucified by the local press. He ended up coming out on top.”