Jesse Tise

Dear Vlad,

Here’s the deal on the sanctions: I had to do it. I was getting so much pressure from the World. The World is terrible and you are a great, great person and I think I’ve already made this clear but I hate the World.

We’re sending 12 diplomats from the UN in New York and 48 from the Russian embassy in DC back to you, which I know sounds bad, but you were just telling me last week that Yuri from DC makes a dressed herring “to die for,” so you should be happy to see him, right? He seems like a nice enough guy, aside from the spying. (Don’t get me wrong—I actually like the spying, it helps me know you care, but don’t get me started on what the so-called “intelligence community” thinks of it. They are a bunch of whiny babies—rebenoks, yes? We’re having so much fun talking about this now, you and me. I love it!)

I should also warn you that we’re also closing the Russian Consulate in Seattle as of April 2, but don’t worry about that. They’re just a bunch of coffee-loving hippies and you wouldn’t have gotten any good intelligence out of them anyway, unless you wanted to know what the next great album by the Pearl Jam would be!!!! They are a cool American band I would like to listen to with you soon.

You may have heard Sarah Sanders say some stuff about this recently. Just know that it’s all an elaborate code from me to you. So whenever Sarah says we’re “making the United States safer by reducing Russia’s ability to spy on Americans and to conduct covert operations that threaten America’s national security,” what she’s really saying is, “Will you be my best friend and can we build a gilded treehouse together with a hamburger fountain and make tiny military parades with miniature army men walking in lockstep because we run the whole world and we can blow anything up literally anywhere and then maybe we can watch The Tree of Life together since I’ve heard it’s like a metaphysical meditation where Terrence Malick beautifully portrays the life of a boy coming to terms with his cold father.”

Also, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but it’d be super great if you could maybe not do any nerve agent attacks any time soon. I’m not even sure what a nerve agent is, but please stop attacking them because the World is upset about it.

So in closing, I just want to say that I get what you’re going through because I’m going through the same thing. Everyone is jealous of our power. They all wish they could be like us, so they do things like protest in the millions and hire the ACLU and make up combinations of letters like “LGBTQ” just to confuse us.

So, let’s get together and chat about it. It can be in a treehouse or wherever. I don’t care. I just want to see you. Also, please don’t blow us up.

Donald J. Trump (The President)