Marlowe Dobbe

1) Men in Hollywood are complaining they’ve been forced to hire ugly men instead of beautiful women for the same positions because they’re afraid of sexual harassment claims. Clearly, they’re unaware that it’s possible to hire a woman you’re attracted to and not try to get inside her power suit. PRO TIP: Not punishing people for your own weaknesses makes you a non-trash person!

2) More than 1,000 evangelical pastors are planning to meet with the president in June and have suggested Trump’s hotel as a location. So the only thing evangelical and ethical have in common are those last four letters.

3) I wasn’t able to score tickets to see the touring company of Hamilton, because I didn’t have a house to mortgage and also, I don’t like Hamilton. Don’t @ me.

4) The creator of the algorithm that automatically refreshes your Facebook and Twitter feed in order to increase the size of our dopamine hits owes me like 10,000 hours. I spent at least that on Twitter during the election, and I thought it would wane as soon as I knew who won. But now I wake up and check to see who may have been grump-tweeting during the night and then suddenly it’s noon and I’m hate-crying and I still don’t have pants on.

5) There are so many shows to watch on so many different platforms that I’m having trouble figuring out the best way to avoid working on my book.

6) Pig farmers and soybean producers who voted for Trump are now angry with him for imposing tariffs on China, because a trade war could be devastating for their businesses. This makes me so mad! JK, I think it’s hilarious.

7) Facebook clearly sold pictures of my cats to outside companies when I could’ve gotten top dollar for them on kitty porn sites.

8) I’m angry that nachos with extra sour cream on the side are calorically dense and broccoli isn’t.

9) On the subject of Scott Pruitt, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that, “The president feels that the administrator has done a good job at EPA. He has restored it back to its original purpose of protecting the environment and has gotten unnecessary regulations out of the way.” This administration has, so far, put the Threatened Species Protection Rule under review, rolled back car emissions standards, expelled climate change from FEMA’s strategic plan, proposed cuts to climate and clean energy programs, loosened regulations on toxic air pollution, downsized two Utah national monuments, and killed a rule that restricted coal companies from dumping waste into streams, among other horrifying things. It’s as if she doesn’t think we know what “Environment,” “Protection,” or “Agency” mean. I am going back to bed to hate-cry pantslessly. Join me, won’t you?