Dear Mr. Trump,
Thank you for your interest in co-managing the Sandusky, Ohio, TGIFridays location. Based on my review of both your résumé and the Washington Post, below are some concerns we have about your current fitness for the position:
1) Social Skills: Here at TGIFridays, name-calling is a no-no. Last week one of our dishwashers called me a “garbage-faced assmobile.” I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not nice, and neither is the stuff you say to Senators, who I’m pretty sure are kinda your coworkers. And the things you say about other leaders wouldn’t fly here, either. We sometimes play softball with the gang from Applebee’s, and if you called Karen fat, like you did that Kim Jong-un guy... she would flatten you. Plus, we share dumpsters with Applebee’s, and that saves us some cash, so not being a dick is super important.
2) Staff Turnover: I read on Politico that by mid-March, 43 percent of your senior staffers quit, moved, or were forced out, which was more than double the number of any administration since 1981. I pride myself on the fact that we’re the only TGIFridays in the Northeast region to retain two employees for SIX FULL MONTHS. This is a huge accomplishment, and I just can’t risk you ruining my streak.
3) Reining in Problem Staffers: As a manager here, sometimes you’ve gotta know a lot about human nature. Last week, I had to talk Madison down after Kaden broke up with her, and she got super wasted on our bottomless Pink Punk Mojitos and started dancing on the bar. I’m not saying you have a “Madison” situation on your hands with Rudy Giuliani, but I’m also not NOT saying that? According to the TGIFridays Manual for Magnificent Management, you have to set CUBES—Clear, Unbreakable Behavioral Expectations with out-of-control employees in order to achieve positive results! So CUBE it up, brah! (That tip is free—the next one’s gonna cost you! JK!)
4) Vetting employees: I’ve already told you about my amazing staff turnover numbers, so it’s probably no surprise that my interview and employee vetting skills are pretty great. Here at Fridays, we do background checks on EVERYONE to ensure that no one’s, say, been arrested for domestic violence, accidentally committed conspiracy to launder money, been an unregistered agent of a foreign principal, or made false and/or misleading statements to the FBI. We use backgroundcheckr.com, but you do you.
5) Sexual Harassment: I touched Kara’s shoulder last year, and after sexual harassment training I learned that with unwanted touching, I was attempting to disempower Kara because I was feeling disrespected by my regional manager after he called me a buttmuncher at our annual mini-golf retreat. Which was totally a NOT COOL thing for me to do. So unfortunately, I think your pussy-grabbing problem immediately disqualifies you.
6) Financial Management: Bankruptcies are kinda frowned upon, and we try to keep our tills from ending up in a deficit, especially by 1.7 trillion dollars, so once again, I’m not sure your skill set lines up with the TGIFridays Markers for Magnificent Management.
We do appreciate your interest, however, and encourage you to re-apply when you feel your abilities have improved enough to meet our stringent criteria. (We’ve enclosed a coupon for a free order of mozzarella sticks. Enjoy!)