Marlowe Dobbe

According to Fox News, a government mole met “several times” with Trump staffers Carter Page and George Papadopoulos during the run-up to the 2016 election, prompting the President to “hereby” declare multiple times that he would demand an inquiry into this scandal that was “bigger than Watergate.”

But how could a mole infiltrate the Trump campaign and remain undetected? It seems unlikely.

“He just seemed like one of the guys,” Page said in an interview on CNN. “I mean, sure, he had this velvety fur all over his body and these weird claw-like hands, but everyone said we were supposed to be more inclusive so I just ignored it.”

Another Trump campaign staffer who asked to remain anonymous said he became suspicious when the mole ordered a plate of earthworms during a business lunch at La Mercerie in New York.

“Initially, I was just like, ‘whatever,’ right?” he claimed. “I just figured it was another one of those paleo things where you only eat what you can forage.”

It wasn’t until the mole asked for a doggy bag and used his toxic saliva to paralyze the worms for later ingestion that the campaign staffer thought that something might be up.

“I read about that shit in high school,” he said. “That’s not the kind of thing you forget.”

I was able to contact the mole, named Mr. Jippers, who lives in a field in Washington, DC in the same neighborhood as Marlon Bundo, the Vice President’s gay rabbit.

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d do it again,” Jippers said. “The FBI had info from a solid source that the Russians had been meddling in the US election and that they had ties to Trump’s people, so of course I jumped in. Well actually I sort of crawled slowly—but still.”

The FBI has yet to confirm or deny hiring a woodland creature to infiltrate a presidential campaign, but Jippers had no troubling admitting his role and was honest when asked if he might have been biased going into the investigation.

“Look, everybody in the field knew that Trump would be a nightmare for the environment if he got elected, so we all had skin in the game,” he said. “It’s under a luxurious coat of fur, but it’s there. And bee-tee-dubs, WE WERE RIGHT. Pruitt’s all but dismantled the EPA, so I’ll never apologize for trying to take down his boss.”

Jippers added that the mole community “wasn’t finished” with Trump—that the golf courses at Mar-a-Lago “sure are pristine and pretty” and that it would be “a shame to see them covered in freshly-dug dirt hills.”

He then finished his hazelnut mocha and punctuated his point by burrowing into a fresh patch of grass, descending into darkness, only to be heard from again when the FBI is in need of another underground source.