Marlowe Dobbe

In a move that shocked but did not appall Republican members of Congress, President Donald J. Trump spent a week committing state and federal crimes throughout Washington, DC, before pardoning himself for a long list of crimes on Monday morning.

When congressional Democrats expressed their dismay, the president didn’t appear to have much empathy.

“I pretty much told you exactly what I was going to do,” said the president, still covered in chocolate, other people’s blood, and gun powder. “You people are really, really stupid. ‘Stupid America’ is your new nickname.”

The president recounted his activities prior to his presidential pardon, offering up a play-by-play of his week.

“I started with small stuff,” he said. “I stole a roll of Lifesavers from a deli and then committed mail fraud, which was more fun than I thought it would be, I can tell you that.”

He then asked a member of the Secret Service to get a tire iron out of his limo trunk and ordered him to break the window of a Toyota Camry parked on North Capitol Street.

“I asked the president if there was an emergency, like a dog or baby trapped in the car,” the agent reported. “He told me that ‘Japanese cars were for pussies.’”

Refusing to break the window himself, the agent handed the tire iron to the president, who hit the window seven times without breaking it, then punched a priest and got back into the limo.

Trump was less clear on what happened for the rest of the week, he claimed, because he had done “a lot of cocaine and poppers.” However, what follows is a rough list of his crimes:

• Jaywalking across Pennsylvania Avenue

• Aggravated assault (slapping Anderson Cooper)

• Petty theft (from Anderson Cooper)

• Kidnapping Anderson Cooper

• False imprisonment of Anderson Cooper while trying to explain his lack of collusion, and/or that it totally was collusion, but everyone does it and/or it’s not illegal anymore

• Starting a drug cartel, then a drug war, then shooting at his enemies with a grenade-launcher-enabled automatic weapon after doing a mountain of cocaine and asking the aforementioned enemies to “say hello to his little friend.”

Asked why he avoided hate crimes, money laundering, bribery, and sexual assault on his crime spree, the president claimed those were all “old news,” and that he had “lost the thrill—like porn you’ve watched too many times, or your current wife.”

After listing the crimes, he crossed each one out with a red Sharpie while repeating, “Oh, pardon me,” giving special care to the lines that included collusion and obstruction of justice.

When informed of the president’s activities and pardons, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stated he would “look into” whether what the president did was illegal, but “he had a lot on his plate, so wasn’t sure when he would get to it.”

The president is currently on the second floor balcony of the White House, naked, holding a fencing epée to Anderson Cooper’s throat, forcing the journalist to give him a spray tan.