Marlowe Dobbe

In an astonishing turn of events, Adolph Hitler, who’s been burning in eternal hellfire since his death in 1945, has clawed his way up to the earth’s surface to make it clear that he’s nothing like Donald Trump.

Immediately booked on Tucker Carlson’s show, Hitler seemed super annoyed when the Fox News host opened with a comparison to the current US president.

“But he’s rounding up brown children and putting them in cages,” Carlson began. “With all due respect (and I respect you a lot), that’s a pretty Hitler-y move.”

“Look, Tucker,” Hitler said while attempting to replace some rended flesh on his face. “I’ve enjoyed your show for years—it’s been playing on a loop in hell since it began—but you’re off-base here. I hated Jews, not Mexicans. They’re not even from the same continent.”

But that wasn’t his biggest issue with the correlation that people have been making since the president declared his candidacy.

“He’s just so fucking stupid,” Hitler whined.

Then to prove his point, Hitler outlined all the complex plans, logistics, and intricate psychological machinations that were required to accomplish his many atrocities.

“But somehow this giant dummkopf has tricked most of your country into thinking he actually has a plan,” he continued. “I blame reality TV. And, of course, the fact that he’s read all my books.”

Hitler did concede that blaming his “Zero Tolerance” policy on the Democrats was a decidedly “Goebbels-esque” move.

Goebbels, Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda, once claimed, “If you tell a lie big enough, and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” 

“It takes some real balls to blame a policy on someone else that your own people announced with fanfare,” Hitler said about Trump. “So I have to give him credit for that.”

After leaving Carlson’s show, Hitler joined Cody Stewart, a white nationalist with the group Americans for a Tomorrow That Looks Like Yesterday, But With Better Technology and Stuff, at their New York headquarters to help stuff envelopes.

“We’ve been asking people to stop comparing Trump to Hitler for a long time,” Cody says. “It’s just not good optics. So it’s AMAZING to have Hitler here in the dripping, torn, and molten flesh to help us spread the word.”

When asked how long he might stay on earth, Hitler said he wasn’t planning to be here long.

“There are a few things I’d like to do while I’m here,” he said. “Meet Ann Coulter, see a Gallagher show, and learn how to dab. That seems like a hoot. But then I’m getting back. It’s really awful up here now and I’ve got a cribbage game going with Mussolini that I’m CRUSHING.”

He then placed one last bloody, scorched envelope on his pile, and smiled.

“Besides, as dumb as he is, Trump’s accomplished a lot,” he said. “Sometimes you just have to let the new generation do its thing.”