ON HIS WRITING SKILLS
A: “After having written many best selling books, and somewhat priding myself on my ability to write, it should be noted that the Fake News constantly likes to pore over my tweets looking for a mistake. I capitalize certain words only for emphasis, not b/c they should be capitalized!”
B: “I have always been able to WRITE, because I have a good brain that the FAKE NEWS is jealous of! Read MY BOOKS to learn THE ART OF THE DEAL that I just MADE with ROCKET MAN! EXCITING.”
ON HELSINKI
C: “So many people at the higher ends of intelligence loved my press conference performance in Helsinki. Putin and I got along well which truly bothered many haters who wanted to see a boxing match. Big results will come!”
D: “Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS reviews of Helsinki. The intelligence people (who are smart but also colluding with CROOKED HILLARY but also sometimes right but also FILLED WITH LYING DEMOCRATS) enjoyed watching me, according to things I’ve heard!!”
ON BORDER SECURITY
E: “I would be willing to ‘shut down’ government if the Democrats do not give us the votes for Border Security, which includes the Wall! Must get rid of Lottery, Catch and Release etc. and finally go to system of Immigration based on MERIT! We need great people coming into our country!”
F: “The Democrats love murder! #NOCOLLUSION”
ON RETURNING MIGRANT CHILDREN TO THEIR FAMILIES
G: “A highly respected Federal judge today stated that the ‘Trump Administration gets great credit’ for reuniting illegal families. Thank you, and please look at the previous administrations record—not good!”
H: “Federal judges have given kudos to our administration because after separating 2,342 children from their parents, we were able to reunite literally HUNDREDS of them!!!! The past administration didn’t even get close to that number!!! We also got an award from the United Nations’ Human Rights Council for ‘Most Dickish and Least Human-Rights-y Immigration Policy IN THE WORLD! Suck it, Venezuela!”
ON COLLUSION
I: “Collusion is not a crime, but that doesn’t matter because there was No Collusion (except by Crooked Hillary and the Democrats)!”
J: “THERE WAS NO COLLUSION, but why am I saying that, because even if there was collusion, I would be PROUD, because collusion is amazing and I do it every morning and Honest Abe Lincoln once colluded and it’s NOT ILLEGAL, except if CROOKED HILLARY does it, which she probably is right now, in the woods, in Connecticut, colluding with a squirrel because I WON and she can’t let it go except WHY CAN’T I STOP TALKING ABOUT IT OH GOD I’M SO BROKEN AND GUILTY AND TRYING TO EMULATE MY MOTHER’S HAIR WILL NEVER MAKE HER RETURN FROM THE DEAD TO LOVE ME.”
Key: A. Real, July 3, 2018. B. Me, tipsy. C. Real, July 18, 2018. D. Me, tipsier. E. Real, July 29, 2018. F. Me, drunk. G. Unbelievably real, July 30, 2018. H. Me, drunk and so mad. I. Real, July 31, 2018. J. Me, drunk after re-reading 1984 and not believing people keep saying he’s “moving the goalposts” when he’s setting himself up to pardon himself for a crime he’ll claim doesn’t exist. I NEED A BUBBLE BATH.
[Read an excerpt from Courtenay’s new book, Okay Fine Whatever, here.
—Eds.]
