Greetings, new and returning students! As a college enrollee, you are about to embark on a fascinating, educational journey that will shape the rest of your life. Sooooo… no pressure. But seriously… PRESSURE. We all know you’ve fucked a lot of things up. But if you fuck this up? Not only is it going to ruin your future, and your future kids’ future, but it will also possibly ruin the futures of everyone on earth. That’s why on behalf of everyone on the planet—we need you to be PERFECT. Not half-ass. Not quarter-ass. We’re talking FULL-ASS PERFECT, because the world is swiftly heading toward hell in a hand basket (thanks to ourselves and your parents, who half-assed it during school), and we need your absolute best if any of us want to make it out of this shithole alive.

So what do you need to do? Just be a PERFECT STUDENT. That’s not so hard, is it? And it’ll be even easier with the Mercury‘s Back-to-School “Perfect Student” guide. We’ll teach you how to perfectly do everything perfect—such as improving study habits, impressing your teachers, properly dressing yourself, and scoring a bunch of free stuff so you won’t be forced to borrow money from a loan shark and have your legs broken. OH! And we’ll also teach you how to perfectly get drunk, perfectly smoke drugs, and perfectly steal money from those idiot rubes in the Student Union.

You’re not perfect—yet. But read the following pages? And you will be. AHHHHHH, YES. You will be.

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Photos by Tim Gunther Modeling by Noah Dunham and Madison Daisy

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

3 replies on “The <i>Portland Mercury</i> Back to School Guide Presents…THE PERFECT STUDENT”

  1. Nice try, Portland Mercury. Your cover photograph showing a grim-faced duo performing an apparent dental X-ray with an adjustable-arm lamp is a transparent attempt to convince us subconsciously to accept the fluoridation of Portland’s water supply. Too bad, I’m going to sign the anti-Leonardizing petition anyway. And then go buy myself a rockin’ bow tie.

  2. There’s an important piece of info you forgot to impart to this year ‘s crop of college students: as you learn to navigate Portland’s bars, restaurants and coffee shops, DON’T FORGET TO TIP your bartender, server or barista. College students are notoriously bad tippers and yeah, I know you’re broke, but if you can afford to go out you can afford to tip. Leave a 15% (or higher) tip
    and you’ll be viewed as an adorable, potentially date-able welcome newcomer. Put the quarter back in your pocket and the staff at that bar you worked so hard to get into will see you as a snot-nosed brat, pour you the shortest shots imaginable and look for any excuse to kick your ass out.

  3. Yup, this article explains and encourages the biggest problem with Portland: The useless youth it produces for the working world that these very same youth whine about not being able to join. Some drugs, alcohol, protesting, a bike and and half dozen like-minded lumps to share a shit hole of a pad. With this kind of encouragement for students, no wonder Portland youth are readily considered a success if they can just manage a bus pass and learn to make a cup of coffee. As part of a hiring team that regularly interviews these “perfect students”, it’s great to have gained some additional insight as to why we have such a hard time finding motivated, responsible candidates. So yeah, it’s great to keep it real and acknowledge all aspects of “student” life as long as it is also emphasized that when it’s all said and done, it’s still will indeed be real.

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