If you’re anything like me, you awoke this morning with an entire three-pound turkey leg resting uncomfortably and snoring loudly inside your upper intestine, refusing to awake. It took a while, but I finally rousted him from his slumber and made him move along—though it took a grand total of four separate trips to the can. Here’s my recipe:
One ginormous cup of black coffee.
One large bowl of Kashi’s GoLean cereal (with 10 grams of fiber).
Followed by an exerting series of sidebends, backbends, and sit ups.
The result? It was like the Ghostbusters stepped into my colon armed with power washers.
However! I’m always looking for faster, more efficient methods of bowel expurgation—and I trust you to supply those in the comments below. BOMBS AWAY!
you know as well as i do that most people around here, employees and commenters alike, evacuate their bowels via keyboard strokes.
don’t forget to wash your hands.
That’s easy peasy caffeine squeezy … the good old-fashioned coffee enema! Simply put a 16-ounce jar of Folgers Crytals into 2 quarts of warm water, put same into an enema bag, mix well, recline in a friend’s bathtub, insert nozzle, squeeze bag and wait. Just remember the old jingle: “The best part of waking up is Folgers up yer butt.” (PS: Don’t forget to check I,A periodically for the soon-to-arrive “My Friend Shat All Over My Bathroom And Ran” posting.)
Ron: Don’t be ridiculous. We Portlanders only put organic, shade-grown, fair trade, small batch roasted, artisanal coffees up our butts.
That is fucking disgusting, and unless you have a fecal fixation or are 5 years old, why in the living fuck would anyone want to hear about this