Simply soak your hands (and face, and neck wattle) in creamy Ivory Liquid—just like 38-year-old Mrs. Hilary Byk who completely, COMPLETELY convinced a room full of teenagers that she’s just as young as them! Of course a new hair-do helped, as well as a crazy mini-skirt! But how could she disguise her haggish, overly-large, hairy man hands? WATCH AND SEE.

AHHH… New Year’s Eve is saved!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)