MONDAY, AUGUST 28
For the past two decades Morris S. Dees Jr, the founder of the Southern
Poverty Law Center, has been slowly putting the KKK out of business the old-fashioned
way: by suing their sheets off. Today, he filed another suit in Coeur d’Alene,
Idaho, in an attempt to seize the Aryan Nations Compound on behalf of a woman
and her son who were brutally attacked by KKK jerks guarding the installation.
The unlucky pair were reportedly looking for a lost wallet when the guards spotted
them and naturally assumed they were “under attack by militant Jews.” The
guards beat the pair, stopping only when the mother begged for their lives, and
then only because “the pair were white.” The ensuing lawsuit would effectively
put this particular racist group out of business, by forcing them to turn over
their compound to the plaintiffs. Wow! Just think! Your very own KKK compound!
And with so many sheets, you could have your own Nordstrom’s “White Sale!”
TUESDAY, AUGUST 29
Today, presidential hopeful Al Gore visited Oregon. ZZZZZZZZZweee, weeee,
weeeeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsnort! In other news, there’s trouble ahead for the
residents of Tigard, as it was announced today that the end is near for
stone-washed jeans. Thanks to the Sierra Club and 13 Native American
tribes, mining companies will no longer dig on Arizona’s Sugarloaf Mountain
for precious pumice; the rock responsible for giving stone-washed jeans and
mulleted Tigard residents the look they crave. BUT IS IT WORTH IT? Wayne
Taylor, chairman of Arizona’s Hopi tribe, is happy about the ruling because
he believes the mountain is the home of kachina spirits who live part
of the year as clouds surrounding the peaks. On the other hand, Bobby Helberg,
a Tigard resident and installation expert for Les Schwab Tire Center,
offers an opposing view: “Dude. No more stone-washed? And I’m supposed to see
Def Leppard on Saturday! This is so HEIN!”
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30
As One Day reported last month, the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) slammed the Portland Mercury for causing
neurological damage and learning disabilities in children. According
to them, children who consumed more than their daily allotted percentage of
Mercury “may be at special risk.” But the persecution continues! The
following headline was splashed across today’s New York Times: “200,000
Homes in Illinois to be Searched for Mercury!” According to the article,
the Nicor Gas company plans to “inspect as many as 200,000 homes for traces
of Mercury, having discovered it in 44 during a preliminary investigation.”
They not only erroneously claim that our fine little paper can cause “extreme
toxicity” but leads to “disorders ranging from hand tremors and appetite
loss to vast brain and kidney damage.” (!!!) This chilling turn of events
should spur Portlanders to heed the following warning: If someone from “the
gas company” comes to your door, asking to “read your meter,” slam it in their
face and yell, “You can have my Mercury–when you pry it from my cold,
dead (and possibly trembling) hand!”
THURSDAY, AUGUST 31
In a shameful display of cultural assimilation, another highly regarded art
form has been irreversibly cheapened: the lap dance. Rock radio station
KUFO 101 FM held an event tonight at Doc’s strip club on 30th
and Powell, in which they attempted to set the world record for “the most
lap dances performed simultaneously.” The plan was to gather together 101
of our city’s finest strippers, and let them grind away in the laps of 101 lucky,
male listeners. However, according to more than one disappointed One Day
reader, the evening was an abysmal failure. These informants claim
that only around 50 strippers showed up for the event (we’re assuming they weren’t
being paid for the privilege), forcing the lap dance-a-thon to be broken into
two rounds in order to hit the 101 lap dance mark. Though 50 of the winners
got their lap dance, the ladies were so infuriated by the meatheads’ refusal
to tip, many whipped on their clothing and stomped out in a huff. This left
many a gentleman (including one of our snitches) alone, and with a decidedly
cold crotch. Once again a boorish, unthinking corporation has subverted
a subtle, time-honored art form into a cheap, McDonald’s-style of mass consumption.
SHAME, KUFO SHAME!!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
Speaking of boorish, unthinking corporations, Seattle’s KING 5 News reported
today that Starbucks will, as of next month, no longer allow free
weeklies to be stocked in their outlets. This policy will affect the Portland
Mercury, as well as hundreds of lower quality, lesser-known papers. Starbucks
says it’s banning the papers “to decrease clutter and improve the aesthetic
appearance” of its stores. For a company that’s made many smart decisions (save
the Joe Magazine fiasco), this reeked of “boneheadity,”
as the company has, in one broad stroke, alienated and embittered an entire
nation of surly alternative weekly writers including yours truly. Whatever happens,
just remember we didn’t throw the first punch.
In a related story, according to the Associated Press, a man who killed two children with a pitchfork in Merced, California was not high on drugs at the time of the attack. Sheriff Tom Sawyer, who had speculated that the killer, Jonathon David Bruce, gunned down at the scene, had been under the influence, said he was “absolutely shocked” by the results. We respectfully suggest that there might be another explanation for Jonathon David Bruce’s rampage. Tom Sawyer tested Bruce’s blood for alcohol, opiates, PCP, LSD, marijuana, and methamphetamine, but he neglected to look for the most insidious drug of all–caffeine! Want answers, Tom Sawyer? Look to the Merced Starbucks.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
In other beverage news today, Laura Ohm, of Northeast Portland, allowed a Greek man of dubious intentions to pour ouzo down her throat for 13 seconds. “I would never let anyone do this with a Starbucks latte,” she told this reporter. “Starbucks is stupid.”
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
And in yet another blow to the beverage world, CNN reported that an earthquake hit California’s wine country today. The quake surprised and startled seismologists
who were unaware there was a fault line under Napa–but are now looking
forward to naming it. While Napa’s wine and hot air balloon industry is a-OK,
beverage industry mavens have been jolted out of their complacency up and down
the West Coast. According to our sources at Seattle’s Best Coffee, rumor has
it that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has sought refuge in a shelter made
entirely from remaindered copies of his book, Pour Your Heart Into It: How
Starbucks Built a Company One Cup at a Time. He is said to be working on
a new book, Suck Their Hearts Dry: How Starbucks Screwed the Little Guys.
Look for it next fall at your local, corporate mega-chain.
We hate Starbucks.