MONDAY, DECEMBER 4
As a practicing Luciferian, One Day is always thrilled when our dark
lord and master, Satan, pays a visit to the humble state of Oregon–especially
after an election! This time, our unholy Prince of Lies and Unspeakable
Evil was spotted at the Clark County Courthouse, where announced that he
was indeed Satan, and began threatening to kill several people. Naturally,
as often is the case with foolish mortals, many of the courthouse employees refused
to believe this tall fellow with stringy long hair and wild eyes was indeed the
omnipotent monarch of hell. When the suspect attempted to gain access to the judge’s
chambers, a scuffle ensued between the Evil One and bumbling sheriff’s deputies,
who tried to shoot his unholiness in the face with pepper spray. Ha! Ha!
Little did the idiots know that Satan puts pepper spray on his morning cornflakes,
and so suffered no ill effects from their cowardly attack! In fact it took an
entire security team to wrestle our odious Prince of Goats to the ground and throw
him into a cell, where he remains as of press time. O! Evil Horned Mephistopheles!
While you remain incarcerated, your loyal servant One Day will do everything
in her power to lure more unwitting souls into your darkened and fiery lair! YOUREADING
THIS! Devote your everlasting soul to my wicked eternal king of all
vermin! One Day commands thee!!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5
Today, O.J. Simpson was accused of ripping off another man’s glasses
during a fit of road rage. According to Miami resident Jeffrey Pattinson,
he was driving home when Simpson’s car ran a stop sign and cut him off. He also
alleges that Simpson stopped his car and approached Pattinson, yelling “So I
blew a stop sign! What are you going to do? Kill me and my kids?” before
reaching into the car and yanking off the man’s glasses. Pattison told police
he could hear a young girl’s voice coming from the car saying, “No, Daddy. No,
Daddy.” Though Simpson denies the charges (surprise!), One Day would
still like to invite the Cuban government to do what they did with Elian
Gonzalez and take the Simpson kids off his hands. Believe us, this time
no one will care.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6
Remember the L.A. actor who was shot by a member of the LAPD for waving
around a toy gun at a Halloween party? Well, the autopsy report came back today,
and guess what? The actor had been shot four times by the officer–three
times in the back, and once in the back of his head. Naturally,
this would tend to contradict the police report that stated Officer Tarriel
Hopper fired in self-defense. In order to quell any public outcry, Los Angeles
Police Chief Bernard Parks reached deep inside his ass for the following excuse
for shooting a citizen four times in the back: “If someone is pointing a gun
at youyou shoot at what is exposed, and a person can move very quickly.”
This latest controversy follows on the heels of an incident last week involving
the LAPD and a 38-year-old mother of four. After being pulled over during a
car theft investigation, the woman was shot in the face with bean bags
because she didn’t lie on the ground as ordered. The woman insists she was on
her knees at the time of the shooting. The woman lost her eye.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7
While One Day is proud of the job we do with this highly popular column,
we are always happy to tip our hat to the king of snappy news briefs, The
New York Post. Take this stellar example from today’s Page 6 column:
“Flame-haired funnygal Kathy Griffin (Suddenly Susan) didn’t have
everyone laughing when she hosted Tuesday’s Billboard Awards in Las Vegas. The
manic comic ruffled surgically-enhanced songbird Toni Braxton’s feathers when
she broke out of a block of ice at the beginning of the show in a David Blaine-inspired
skit and said, ‘Good thing I had this hammer, or else I would have had to use
Toni Braxton’s nipples!’ Braxton, who was recently rumored to have ruptured
her implants, was said to be ‘fuming’ about the joke. After the show, Griffin
nearly got into a catfight with another sexy singer, Pink. The trouble
started when Pink said hello to fellow popsters Britney Spears and Justin
Timberlake backstage, and neglected to greet Griffin, who promptly cracked,
‘Oh, don’t say hi then, bitch.’ Pink turned around and snapped, ‘If you
have something to say to me, say it to my face!’ Pink’s security detail quickly
led her away to her limo.”

YES! We love the NY Post! Almost as much as our dark lord Satan

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8
According to the New York Times today, Rolling Stone Magazine misquoted President Clinton in an article in the latest edition of the
magazine. It turns out Clinton did not use the word “dumb-ass” to describe
the “don’t ask, don’t tell” gays in the military policy. A White House spokesman
who sat in on the interview, and the White House stenographer who transcribed
the interview, have both insisted the word “dumb-ass” was not used by Clinton,
though they could not produce the tape of the interview which had been “taped
over.” Jann Wenner, the magazine’s editor and the interviewer, acquiesced and
attributed the misinterpretation to a miscommunication. Apparently, Clinton
said that gays in the military had “nice asses.” Rolling Stone regrets the error.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9
The New York Times reported today that Fidel Castro has unveiled
a bronze statue of John Lennon sitting on a park bench. The ceremony,
complete with a musical backdrop of “All You Need Is Love,” was a departure
for the Cuban government, which once labeled The Beatles’ music as “ideological
diversionism.” Castro, who in recent years has rediscovered his id, said after
the ceremony that he liked Lennon’s “thinking” and “his ideas.” While
Castro admitted he was unfamiliar with some of Lennon’s later work, he said
he enjoyed The Revolution, and had modeled many Cuban institutions after
the work Lennon did for Russian peasants in the early 1920s. What’s next? A
Marx Brothers stamp?

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10
In another deeply troubling blow to the legal profession, a Grants Pass attorney
has proved to be stupid and mean. According to The Oregonian,
James Boldt is blaming his loss in a judicial race on his ex-wife, a Russian
mail-order bride who divorced him in 1997. He says she has a history of
defaming him, and has therefore poisoned public opinion. It’s true she’s raised
some character issues. She says he molested their five-year-old son, and in
1997 got a restraining order accusing Boldt of sadomasochism. According
to her, he forced her to call him “God” or “sovereign” and he occasionally spanked
her with a belt for being a “bad slave girl.” Mr. Boldt challenged the restraining
order, claiming not that it was untrue, but that it was “unnecessary because
she consented to the spanking.” The appeals court agreed. Boldt’s ex-wife could
have pursued the case to the U.S. Supreme Court, but Justice Thomas was
too busy picking pubic hair off Coke cans to hear oral arguments.

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