HEY ROCK FANS!
Wanna win tickets to see Big Star at the Crystal Ballroom on December 23? Wellfine!
Then take the I Love Television™ “Quiz Before Christmas” Quiz™ and test your
knowledge of TV’s favorite holiday specials, featuring Rudolph, the Grinch,
Frosty, Santa, and the king of all martyrs, Charlie Brown. Upon completion,
send your answers, along with a daytime phone number, to lovenotes@portlandmercury.com,
or snail-mail ’em to “The Quiz Before Christmas™,” 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite #2,
Portland, 97210. Everyone with a C+ average or better will be entered, and five
lucky couples will win. The deadline is Wednesday, December 20, so chop-chop,
sugar-pop! Santa waits for no one!
Holy Mary, Mother of Multiple Choice Quizzes!
1. The Grinch can best be described as:
(a) Cranky.
(b) Lacking in the spirit deemed appropriate for the holidays.
(c) A triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
2. In A Charlie Brown Christmas, according to Lucy, Christmas is “a commercial
racket run by…
(a) “…a big Eastern syndicate.”
(b) “…ad agencies.”
(c) “…Met Life.”
3. Which of the following is NOT one of the names considered by the
children for Frosty the Snowman?
(a) Harold.
(b) Freezie.
(c) Oatmeal.
(d) Kuckafuckarabba.
4. “I’m Mister Green Christmas, I’m Mister Sun. I’m Mister Heat Blister,
I’m Mister Hundred and One.” Okay, so who am I?
(a) Mr. Curling Iron.
(b) A motorcycle exhaust pipe.
(c) A tanning-salon ad.
(d) The Heat Miser.
5. In Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town, what’s the name of the toy-hatin’
mayor of Sombertown?
(a) Burgermeister Burgermeister.
(b) Burgerburger Meistermeister.
(c) Meisterburger Burgermeister.
(d) Burgermeister Meisterburger.
6. In the creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet Xmas specials, who has NOT been a
narrator?
(a) Boris Karloff.
(b) Burl Ives.
(c) Fred Astaire.
(d) Shirley Booth.
7. In which holiday special is Santa a real asshole?
(a) The Year Without a Santa Claus.
(b) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
(c) Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town.
(d) Frosty the Snowman.
8. In The Year Without a Santa Claus, Jangle Bells the Elf shows
concern for Santa by saying,
(a) “What about your gout?”
(b) “Maybe it’s a tapeworm.”
(c) “You don’t scare children… you LOVE children!”
(d) “You look so tense… here, lie down and let me rub those tired muscles.”
Match Game 2000
Match the syrupy holiday special on the top with the arch nemesis who would
ruin Xmas for our protagonist on the bottom!
1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
3. A Charlie Brown Christmas
4. The Year Without a Santa Claus
5. Frosty the Snowman
6. The Little Drummer Boy
7. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
a. Winter Warlock
b. Professor Hinkle
c. Abominable Snowman
d. Ben Haramed
e. Cindy Lou Who
f. “Commercialism”
g. The Miser Bros
