GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Tell me if you want me to give you all my time. I wanna make it good for you, ’cause you blow my mind. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
A mean old person gets into an altercation with two teens in Salem, and points a gun at them, saying in his best Clint Eastwood voice, “Get ready to die.” (Luckily a hero motorcyclist knocked the gun out of his hand before speeding away.) As a side note, these angry old Clint Eastwood movies need to stop. They’re a bad influence.
In more local “guns make us safer” news, an estranged Portland husband barges into his wife’s house and threatens her with a gun and a knife—right in front of their kids.
A Vancouver man faces deportation because his abusive foster parents never helped him get citizenship.
You know your “religious freedom” law is a bunch of baloney when WALMART opposes it. WALMART!!
Oh, and speaking of that ridiculously terrible discriminatory “religious freedom” law, LOOK WHO’S SUDDENLY FURIOUSLY BACKPEDALING ON THE IDEA.
Remember the guy who, in 2012, videotaped a Chik-fil-A rant in which he took a drive-thru employee to task for working there? Well, that guy got fired, lost a ton of stock options, and now lives in an RV in Portland with his family where he remains unemployed and on food stamps. Whoops.
Speaking of saying extremely dumb things on the internet: A British political candidate has been given the sack after suggesting on Facebook that Obama should be kidnapped.
Speaking of other dumb things said on the internet: In case you missed yesterday’s self-righteous outrage, new Daily Show host Trevor Noah is getting roasted for writing insensitive jokes. (Which, in defense of your self-righteous outrage, were pretty bad.)
UGH. I just remembered it’s April Fool’s Day.
It’s official: By 2017 all 40,000 city workers in Seattle will be getting an instant raise to $15 an hour.
Police deny that a film obtained by a French magazine actually depicts the “chaotic” last moments inside the Germanwings plane that was probably deliberately crashed into a mountainside—but the cops want it anyway.
Today in dumb governors: Arizona governor Doug Ducey signed a law that requires doctors to inform women that abortions are reversible—which, ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, is not true. You all know this right?
A New Mexico man is arrested for throwing a banana peel at Dave Chappell. You think this is an April Fool’s joke, but it’s not! It’s REAL!
Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: More showers today, but mainly dry tomorrow!
And finally, here’s one of the most awkward exchanges between two news anchors you’ll see today. (You’ll see more in the future because they happen all the time.)
Correction: “A British political candidate” should read “a lump of corn in the shit stain on the carpet of British politics”.
Or something less grammatically awkward. I have a headache.
It’s official, by 2017 the city of Seattle will experience a noticeable jump in inflation.
The person who used a gun to threaten his wife and kid is a piker compared to the man in Vancouver who deliberately crashed and rolled his car trying to kill his family.