MONDAY, JANUARY 1
Congratulations to little Vyviannie Ivette Rodriguez who popped out of
her mommy’s belly just in time to be declared Baby New Year for Oregon!
Vyviannie made her appearance at OHSU at exactly midnight weighing a healthy
6 pounds, 9 ounces. And what will Baby New Year have to look forward to in her
life? Why, stories like this one reported in today’s New York Post: Nash
Bridges star Don Johnson caught buying gay porno in San Francisco!
Dandy Don is apparently dandier than anyone thought, as the macho stud was spotted
picking up two gay porn videos titled Asian Studs and Cop Daddies’ Playtime.
However, this is not to say that Don’s tastes don’t vary! He has also been seen
in a different sex store purchasing copies of Luscious Latinas #2, as well
as Hardcore Schoolgirls #8. And speaking of horny old people, the Post
also reported this week that 1950’s B-movie actress Mamie Van Doren has
been spilling her guts on a number of saucy topics, including: a) sexy singer
Tom Jones’ less than spectacular physical attributes, b) making love on
a sable coat with football great Joe Namath, c) turning down Warren
Beatty because he smelled bad, and d) a brief, disappointing between-the-sheets
romp with Burt Reynolds, who she claims “finished first, yelled out another
woman’s name and fell asleep.”

So here’s to Oregon’s Baby New Year; just like Burt Reynolds, you’re #1!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2
Today, Mayor Vera Katz and Police Chief Mark Kroeker took a tour of shops
that were vandalized during a New Year’s celebration that got out of hand
in Pioneer Square. And while most shop owners were polite and kept a cool head
about the ordeal, the management of Byrne’s Luggage turned out to be
real jerks. According to separate stories in the Oregonian, Becky
Flint, the manager of the store, indirectly blamed city Commissioner Charlie
Hales for the melee. After witnessing three skateboarders busting windows
on TV news videotape, Flint told the press that her first reaction was “Thanks,
Charlie Hales. Thanks.” (Hales has openly and rightly promoted opening
downtown streets to skateboarders.) Meanwhile, the luggage store owner, Trixie
Byrne, chastised Mayor Katz directly, accusing her of being “too liberal” and advising her to “take the handcuffs off the police and put them on the bad
guys.” Now, while One Day truly sympathizes with the businesses that
were vandalized, to the folks at Byrne’s Luggage we’d like to say, “HA! HA!
HA! IT SERVES YOU RIGHT!” Being a “downtown business” doesn’t give anyone the
special privilege to act like an asshole. Face it, sugar: Occasional chaos and
civic disturbances are natural occurrences and are usually the result of one
sector of society stepping on the fingers of another. (Psst! That’s you doing the stepping.) Besides, taxpayers have better things to do than financing
24-hour protection for you and your shitty Samsonite. So there. Nyaah.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3
Today our local chapter of the Sierra Club stepped forward to crusade
against the pollution of the waterways around town. Filing papers in federal
court, the environmentalists informed Oregon Fresh Farms, a supplier
of carrots for Fred Meyer, that they intended to sue for violating the Clean
Water Act. For years, claims the Sierra Club, Oregon Fresh Farms have dumped
waste and byproducts from their carrot processing plant into the Columbia Slough.
In fact, so much orange pulpy waste has been discharged into the river that
it has formed a small landmass known to local EPA workers as “Carrot Island.”
The Sierra Club is trying to force Oregon Fresh Farms to remove Carrot Island,
but (surprise!) One Day has a better idea. This island provides
an excellent opportunity to solve another problem dogging our city–the overabundance
of hippie vegans! By moving all the hippies onto Carrot Island and turning
it into a vegan penal colony, they could eat and drum and stink and live in
harmony forever. See?? It’s a perfect idea! It would be like Cheech and
Chong, except in Escape from New York!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 4
Here’s a story that might turn one against the practice of obtaining mail-order
brides. Indle King Jr. has been charged with first-degree murder in
Everett, Washington for allegedly strangling his mail-order bride, Anastasia
Soloveva King–because he wanted to order a new one. A former lodger in King’s
home told police that King had confessed to strangling her with a necktie, wrapping
her in a dog’s blanket, and burying her in a shallow grave. Another New
Year off to a bright and shining start.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 5
We’ve all been there. You’re asked to give the toast/speech/closing arguments/eulogy.
You’re ready. You’re prepared. You’re psyched. You stand up and all that comes
out is epileptic yammering. Maybe if we spent more time practicing public speaking–say,
reading to dogs–we’d be more comfortable at the pulpit. And what do
you know, the Capitol Hill Branch Library has instituted just such a “Read
to the Dogs” program. Readers will be allowed to read to dogs on Saturdays
from January 13 through February 17, between 10 a.m. and noon. Dogs have been
“trained and selected for their listening skills.” Readers must be allergy and
flea-free. This has been a public service message brought to you by your local
adult literacy program. Sit, Spot. Stay.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6
As we’re sure you all know, the governors of Washington and Oregon issued a
plea today asking residents to reduce their power use by 10 percent.
Kennedyesque public servant that we are, One Day has devised some simple
conservation steps that you can take to meet this goal. Pleasethank us later.
Avoid using electricity between the peak hours of 12:00 AM and 11:59
PM. Use appliances, such as vibrators and curling irons, one at a time,
instead of running both at once. Grow your pot outdoors instead of using
costly hydroponic lights. Take amphetamines such as crystal or crank as these speed up the metabolism, making one less sensitive to dangerously cold
temperatures. If you see a Tauntaun from the ice planet Hoth, slit its
stomach open and crawl inside for warmth.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7
First John Ashcroft, and now, in yet another frightening development
for atheists, The New York Times has reported that the Episcopalians have joined forces with the Lutherans. The agreement will allow the new
combined membership of 7.7 million people to share clergy members, churches
and missionary work. Satellite photos indicate thousands of Lutherans on horseback
practicing attack formations over the frozen tundra of northern Minnesota.
A Lutheran spokesman claimed they are simply practicing for a local Martin Luther
King Day parade. However, several Episcopalians were spotted in the area wearing
caps stitched with the slogan: “Kick Catholic Ass.” We’re sure it’s nothing, but
you might want to hide, just in case.