Nothing can hamstring a good cause like a Stupid Fucking Hippie. As sure as death and taxes, every election year someone tries to pull together a perfectly reasonable ballot measure to legalize marijuana–which is summarily ruined by a wayward bong-huffing long-hair. Last time around, the chief petitioner was Paul Stanford, who quickly secured almost a six-figure loan for the marijuana cause–and then, almost as quickly, was accused of swindling the money for his own purposes before being sued in federal court! Even with a lawsuit hanging over his head, Stanford continued to drag the movement for the legalization of marijuana through the muck. He made impassioned pleas for even more donations while falsely stating the number of signatures gathered, giving the impression that just a little more money and a few more signatures were needed to place the matter on the ballot. In truth, they had gathered only slightly more than half the requisite signatures needed and the initiative fell far short of making last November’s ballot. Shame, S.F.H shame.
Everyone will recognize our next nominee, even though he claims to be “underground.” Ladies and gentleman, we give you Craig Rosebraugh, the ubiquitous self-avowed spokesperson for Earth Liberation Front. Rosebraugh gleefully invites the press to interview him, then shuts his fat trap when asked for little details like who, what, when, where, and most importantly, why.
Finally, and not to be outdone: Tre Stinking Arrow. O, how the mighty have fallen! Last July, Tre stepped out of obscurity and on to a 20-foot high ledge to protest pending timber sales at the Eagle Creek stand in Mt. Hood National Forest. The combo platter of acrobatics, perseverance, and poo buckets grabbed more media attention than two years worth of tree-sits.
In spite of Tre’s auspicious first step into the limelight, he managed to squander these good vibes even faster than Robert Downey, Jr. ruined his early release from prison. A few months after his infamous ledge-sit, Tre ran as the Green Party candidate for U.S. Congress–but along the campaign trail, failed to show up for interviews and speeches. With friends like you, Tre, the Green Party doesn’t need enemies.
And, the winner of the S.F.H award goes to What? Wait just a Guy Faulking minute this just in. What’s that? Tre Arrow was caught shoplifting? At Nature’s?? It seems that in mid-March, while allegedly picking up left-over produce donations, Tre was stopped outside the store for stealing–and we’re not kidding–soy-based products, tea tree oil, granola hemp, and chocolate goat milk. At first, he tried to sneak past the inquiring press hounds by dismissing his arrest as a rumor–until the Mercury‘s own Katia Dunn retrieved the police report. Sheepishly, Tre admitted that security had apprehended him, but held fast to his defense that the guards at Nature’s were mistaken. Well, that’s all we needed to hear! The S.F.H. award goes to Tre Arrow! Tsk-tsk-tsk. Bad hippie!