You have argued that society’s position on cheating is logically incoherent. Society says, on the one hand, sex is not that important, so living in a sexless marriage is not a big deal. On the other hand, society says cheating can never justified because sex is that important, so important you shouldn’t do it with anyone else, not even if your spouse won’t do it with you.
I think you’re being unfair to society, Dan. There is no inconsistency in saying the pain caused by infidelity outweighs the pain/frustration caused by forced celibacy. The problem for the prospective cheater—or the current/former cheater trying to ease his/her conscience—is that you’re weighing your own, known pain against the unknown pain your spouse might potentially have to endure. So society really needs to know: Would the average person rather be cheated on or trapped in a sexless marriage?
This is where you might actually provide a real service. We need a survey! So what do your readers say? Which is worse? Let’s settle this question once and for all, so you can get back to answering questions about parrot masturbation!
Justifiably Overthinking Everything
Probably most cheating does not occur in totally sexless marriages. So it might be more interesting to replace “sexless” with “under-sexed” in last email. Modified survey question: Would you rather be sexually frustrated in your marriage or be cheated on by your spouse?—JOE
I suppose, if you do this survey, the sample will be pretty biased, since it will consist entirely of your readers. But we can at least settle the question of whether Savage Love readers (and commenters) are justified in cheating on other Savage Love commenters. Gotta start somewhere.—JOE
Sorry to clutter your inbox. Still thinking about this survey. And, after some thought, this is how I think the question should be asked:
Would you rather…
Spend ten years in a monogamous relationship in which your sexual needs are not met or…
Spend ten years in a supposedly monogamous relationship only to discover that your partner had been unfaithful to you.
I know a lot of people will say this is a false choice, and that the cheating problem is solved by honesty and open communication—or divorce in cases of true sexual incompatibility. Other people will say every case is different, and that my survey question vastly oversimplifies the problem. I actually agree with both objections. But I still want to know the results of the survey. And I think society should know too. If you can’t help, Maybe I will apply for government funding.—JOE
If I post your survey question—which, yes, is overly simplistic and, yes, every case is different and infidelities should be judged on a case-by-case basis—will you stop sending me emails about it? Here’s hoping, JOE, and here’s your Slog poll.
And while I have your attention, JOE…
You say I’m being unfair to society—and that cheaters trapped in sexless marriages are being unfair to their partners—because while the pain experienced by those trapped in sexless marriages is a known known (and somehow quantifiable), the pain that might experienced by their spouses if they decide to cheat is unknown, unquantifiable, and may in the end outweigh the pain experienced by the sexually deprived spouse. But you’re being unfair to people trapped in sexless marriages who decide to cheat, JOE. You’re weighing the pain these people are actually experiencing—the real pain of sexual rejection, the real pain of sexual deprivation—against the pain their “cheated on” partners will experience if the infidelity is discovered and if they’re actually annoyed/pained by the infidelity (some don’t care, some are relieved). You putting “pain that exists” on the scales with “pain that may never exist” and insisting the latter will outweigh the former in all instances. Yeah, no.
But here’s your poll!
I want to see the Venn diagram of these two groups, meaning people who are actually in one of these situations (instead of it being a thought exercise). I’ll bet there’s some significant overlap. When one partner’s sexual needs aren’t being met, there’s a decent chance the OTHER partner’s aren’t either, perhaps landing them in the second situation.
Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.
Over on The Stranger, voters were 2:1 in favor of being cheated on rather than being in a sexually unfulfilling relationship.
Granted, 100x the number of people have voted on The Stranger, but still. Interesting that so far people would rather have a shitty sex life than be cheated on in Portland.