MONDAY, MAY 28
Jesus! What does a President’s daughter gotta do to get a drink around here?
President Bush’s 19-year-old twin teenage daughters (Jenna and Barbara)
found themselves in deep doo-doo once again for attempting to illegally purchase
alcohol. The girls were whooping it up south-of-the-border style in an Austin
Mexican restaurant, and were busted by the restaurant manager for trying to
purchase two Grandita Margaritas with a fake ID. How did the manager know it
was fake? We’re thinking the 27 secret service men might’ve been the
give-away. And speaking of getting pickled

While searching for free stuff, intrepid dumpster diver Rob Thompson of Portland, found a little more in a Reed College dormitory dumpster than the usual broken lamps and multiple copies of Reign of the Phallus. He found a BRAIN in a glass jar. Yes, a BRAIN. Inside the creepy jar (cleverly sealed with electrical tape) was 1/4″ slices of gray cortex and cerebellum, three eyeballs (one fake, two real), a glass specimen ring, and a FORK. But it gets weirder! Cautious whiffs of the fluid suggest the brain was pickled in RUM. Though a close inspection suggested it may be a sheep’s brain, authorities have not ruled out the possibility of it belonging to MTV comedian Andy Dick.

TUESDAY, MAY 29
Rockstar Games is developing a brand new videogame for the Playstation 2 system due out in October, called “State of Emergency.” Clearly based
on the 1999 WTO riots in Seattle, the game instructs players to smash
anything in its path in order to destabilize the ATO (American Trade Organization).
Overthrowing “the man” includes attacking cops, setting fires, and (always useful
when trying to publicly prove a point) grenade launchers. Unsurprisingly, Washington
representative Mary Lou Dickerson (D-Seattle) had some harsh words for
the game: “[State of Emergency] completely denigrates the message of
the 40,000 peaceful protestors at the WTO who have serious concerns about the
environment and labor issues.” Maybe so, but just think! You can act like a
crusty, without actually smelling like one!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30
Portland resident Kenneth Brian Larkin was arrested today for being “the
region’s finest counterfeiter.” Larkin has confessed to authorities that
he has passed over $77,000 in fake fifty-dollar bills to a number of
area taverns. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, had it not been for
that meddling tow truck driver! Larkin’s motor home was woefully behind
on rent, and when the tow truck driver poked his snoot inside before taking
it away, he discovered four printers, loads of fake IDs, a “counterfeit detector
pen,” and a library of how-to-counterfeit books. The nosy tow truck driver narc’d
him out, and the rest is history. However, Portland police and Secret Service
agents have been creaming their jeans over the skill of the counterfeiter, saying,
“I’ve never seen ANYTHING like it,” and “[his work] has been gnawing at me.
It’s so good.” Mmmmmbaby. So, soooo good.

THURSDAY, MAY 31
Today, Idaho cops were scratching their heads in confusion over how to coax six children out of their rural compound, where they’ve been holed up for two days with guns and a pack of attack dogs. Here’s the story: The father of the children (Michael McGuckin, who was known to be, as many Idahoans are, “deeply suspicious of the government”) died of MS earlier this month, after which the mother pulled her children out of school. Social Services stepped in, and after the mother was arrested for “felony injury to a child,” the police stopped by the house to put the children under the care of the state. That’s when they heard one of the sons yell, “GET THE GUNS!” after which the kids released a pack of attack dogs from the basement. As it stands now, the McGuckin children (aged 8-16) have refused to come out, and could stay inside for an indefinite length of time since they are used to living without heat, water and electricity. And get this! For food, they’ve been eating soup made from “lake water and lilies.” Now the only questions that remain are when they will come out, and who will star in the movie version of their story. Our vote goes to Patrick Swayze, Ralph Machio, Rob Lowe, Ally Sheedy, Emilio Estevez, and C. Thomas Howell. Sure they’re a little old but they’re actors, aren’t they??

FRIDAY, JUNE 1
According to The Oregonian, the state legislature has voted to cut the
word “squaw” from maps, streets signs, and public buildings. Once Governor
Kitzhaber signs the bill, Oregon will become the sixth state to ban the
term, which, loosely translated, means “cunt.” “I think it’s really important
that the words we use to describe things not be offensive,” said Senator
Kate Brown (D-Portland). Other terms under consideration for banning include
“Gresham,” “Canada,” and “California.”

SATURDAY, JUNE 2
The New York Times announced today that the Royal Family of Nepal had
been shot dead in their palace in one of the more gruesome royal rampages since those pesky Bolsheviks took out the Russian blue bloods in 1918. The suspect
in the Nepal slaughter? None other than the Crown Prince Dipendra! The
prince allegedly opened fire during dinner, mowing down eight people including
his parents and a brother and sister, and then shot himself in the head. He
was, apparently, irked at his parents’ lack of enthusiasm for his bride-to-be,
as well as their constant criticism and impossible-to-meet expectations. Needless
to say, the entire Rose Court has gone into hiding.

SUNDAY, JUNE 3
The Oregonian reported today that a hoity White House has finally
released the promised catalog of alleged pranks orchestrated by the outgoing
Clinton administration staff. The list includes “obscene graffiti in
six offices, a 20-inch-wide presidential seal ripped off a wall, 10 sliced telephone
lines and 100 inoperable computer keyboards” (they were missing the “w”). The
Clinton administration shocked the press corps by not only taking responsibility
for the litany of high jinks, but also going so far as to admit that the whole
election itself had been a practical joke dreamed up by a junior staffer. It
turns out that Clinton is still president and that he is preparing to
return to the capital. “Things just got out of control,” said a red-faced Clinton
today on Face The Nation. “We thought that the American public would
never buy it! Who knew they were so gullible?” George W. Bush, who was
not in on the joke, was unavailable for comment. Al Gore was seen giggling
like a schoolgirl.