Show of hands: Who’s ready to pee their pants for Planet of the Apes? WOOOOO-HOOOO! Me, too! I loves me some Planet of the Apes! Unfortunately, due to a highly unfair lottery system, I got stuck reviewing Jurassic Park III. I mean, put yourself in my position. How would you feel if you had the chance to review Planet of the Apes and then found yourself stuck with dowdy old Jurassic Park III? As Alanis Morissette once said, that’s like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beee-autiful wife. HIGHLY IRONIC.
Now, I’ll gladly apologize to any paleontologists out there, but dinosaurs are soooo 1993. But talking apes? That’s the wave of the future! Besides, dinosaur movies are for those four-eyed geeks who actually give a shit about science. “Ohhhh that’s a Ankylosaurus. They’re herbivores, you know.” SNORE! SNORE! SNORE! When it comes right down to it, all any normal person requires from a Jurassic Park movie is for one dinosaur to chomp the head off of one kid. JUST ONE!! But do we ever get it? NO, WE DO NOT. That’s because dinosaurs are big poofters who are only capable of accomplishing two tasks: biting lawyers and stepping on things.
Unsurprisingly, that’s the entire plot of Jurassic Park III. Sam Neill returns as Dr. Alan Grant who, along with a hunky assistant, is tricked into returning to dinosaur island to search for the missing son of William H. Macy and Téa Leoni. A few mercenaries (read: lawyer chum) come along for the ride and are quickly bitten and stomped within the first 20 minutes. That means our heroes have 50 minutes left to run around the island, avoid the bite-bite and the stomp-stomp, and somehow keep our interest with a script that’s thinner than Charleton Heston’s hairpiece.
Oh! And speaking of Chuck, did you hear he’s got a cameo in Planet of the Apes? See, I’d take Chuck Heston in an ape mask over these fakey dinosaurs anyday. That’s because apes not only bite-bite and stomp-stomp, they jump-jump, they club-club, and they yap-yap. Plus, if Heston’s involved, they probably shoot-shoot. So bypass Jurassic Park III, and put your money into something that really deserves it: Marky Mark’s loincloth.
