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ADVERTISING SECTION***
BEST SWIMMING HOLE WHERE YOU WON’T CATCH E.COLI
Montavilla Community Center, 8219 NE Glisan, 823-3675
Rumors can be such pesky nuisances to an otherwise fine (shall we add, well
chlorinated) swimming establishment. Last summer, the report that some young
imp had been struck by the virulent E.coli (no, it’s not just Odwalla’s fault
anymore!) while swimming at one of the eastside watering holes, spread faster
than herpes through a whorehouse. But that nasty tidbit from the grapevine can’t
cast a cloud over the perfect summer days at Montavilla Pool–one in a string
of glimmering Portland swimming holes. With water slides and plenty of lounge
chairs for moms to stretch out on, one can just kick back, read a John Grisham,
and relax. Plus, there are always plenty of cute lifeguards on hand to give
sloppy mouth-to-mouth. “Help! We’re drowning! Again!”
BEST PLACE TO GET LEG HAIRS PULLED OUT ONE BY ONE
Beyond Beauty, 110 NE 82nd, 253-2115
You know when you’re walking down the street and you see a CU-TEE guy checking
out your legs, and then you look down and you’re like all, “OHMIGOD, I’M TOTALLY
HAIRY!” Well, after you’ve waxed at Beyond Beauty, you’ll never have that feeling
again. And here’s the beauty-licous secret: Beyond Beauty pulls out the hair
with such an extreme vengeance, you’ll probably never have to worry about having
any feeling in your skin again, let alone seeing any hair growing out of your
follicles. (It really is Beyond Beauty! It’s a delicious hell!) Plus,
there’s none of this hanky-panky modesty stuff. You walk into a fluorescent-lit,
not-very-well-furnished room with a gruff, intimidating woman who tells you
to drop your pants. Then, you get on a table in your underwear, and the woman
dumps a big, steaming bowl of hot liquid wax all over your legs before she performs
the grand finale: ripping the hairs out one by one. Slowly. Methodically. It’s
great! A word to the wise, however: It’s not recommended that one become a customer
at Beyond Beauty if one hasn’t shaved her/his legs for say, a year. Extremely
hairy people are frowned upon.
BEST PLACE TO WORK UP A SWEAT
82nd Ave, all day long, anytime, free
Cancel that membership to 24-Hour Fitness: They didn’t advertise. Besides,
PM’s stealthy staff of crack aerobicizers has scoured the Ave just for
you, and graciously found a better alternative, for which you can thank us by
advertising in our fine paper. Now, how to lose those extra pounds? Try driving
up and down 82nd in the sweltering heat for three hours! It’s an inexpensive
alternative to nail-breaking weightlifting or strenuous sports, and you can
get a killer tan. The heat of the street will waft up like so many exclusive
saunas, and you don’t even have to lift a finger!
BEST PLACE TO FIND POTENTIALLY VIOLENT ITEMS
Hawker’s Locker, 933 NE 82nd Ave, 252-5423
If you’ve been searching for a place to help release that pent-up aggression, look no further than the well-stocked pawnshop Hawker’s Locker. Oh sure, they’ve got your typical gear–shotguns, handguns, knives–but they also stock an impressive array of more unique items. In the event of serious mayhem, try out their nail guns, skill saws, fishing line, surfboards, bowling balls Well, you get the point.
As a side note, they su-pose-sed-ly pay cash for (just about) anything, but didn’t want the TI-85 graphing calculator PM found while dumpster diving (with manual, mind you)! PM doesn’t want the damn thing either, but come on–you can play games on it!
BEST AIRPORT WITHIN A ONE-MILE RADIUS OF ITSELF
PDX International Airport, open all the time, except when it’s not
The new parking lot is nice–too bad it’s haunted–and the glass-covered walkway
is very artsy–we probably won’t consider it kitsch for ten years or so–and
it’ll be lovely when you no longer have to ride golf carts to get to gate C-21,
but other than that and improved access to Californians, what has the five-year
renovation of PDX brought us?
First of all, RAMPANT UNNECESSARY CONFUSION. These guys need to take a lesson from ODOT on such topics as: how to make a sign legible, how to make clear what the sign is referring to, how to label the buttons in an elevator so riders can tell up from down, and how to pronounce non-Anglo-Saxon names over the intercom.
Second, RAMPANT UNNECCESARY CONSUMERISM, because while we weren’t looking they turned our airport into a strip-mall. There’s now a sizable, growing business community based in the airport, which wouldn’t be so bad if there was one restaurant that didn’t suck horribly, and/or one store that sold something you can’t get in any other airport, and/or one non-consumer thing to do while waiting for your mysteriously delayed flight. Such as: a library, a museum, a water slide, a skating rink, a hang-out-and-play-chess-with-strangers-from-all-over-the-world area, a homeless encampment, a tanning salon, or maybe just a sign that reads LOITERING IS OKAY HERE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BUY ANYTHING.
Thirdly, RAMPANT UNNECESSARY GREED. Parking costs an outrageous $1.50 per half-hour–good luck getting in and out that quickly. It costs two dollars to rent carts that used to be free, and still are in most airports. Inflated prices and rock-bottom quality from all the feel-good Portlandy chain stores: Powell’s, Marsee’s, Coffee Androids, Crappy Panda, etc, etc.
Nevertheless, we searched for other airports in a one-mile radius and found
none better. I guess we are fucked for airports. Congratulations, PDX: you own
us. See advertisement in paper, pg 11
BEST PLACE TO KILL SOMEONE
Eastgate Theater, 2025 SE 82nd, closed all the time
Fans of gangland-style execution take note: The former Eastgate Theater parking
lot is your kind of place. Nestled between an abandoned movie theater, an abandoned
hardware store, and a home for the elderly, it’s the perfect place for illicit
drug deals, hot-rod speed trials, testing of homemade explosives, or any other
noisy, frowned-upon activity that one should never do. It’s shrouded on all
sides, yet only 100 feet from the avenue and minutes from I-205. And if you
need to get rid of a body, or just hide one for a while, any neighboring storage
facility will be pleased to assist. See advertisement pg 11