by Marcus Lester
ASSOCIATED PRESS
PORTLAND, Oregon — Two columnists working for the Portland
Mercury–a free weekly newspaper devoted to negative reviews of Planet
of the Apes–were killed in an accident that took place on Portland’s new
streetcar line, officials said Tuesday.
The columnists, Osama Bin Laden and Soiled Mattress
Down by the River, were reportedly on their way to the Mercury offices
where they were to learn the results of a recent contest in which one of them
would lose their job.
At the corner of SW 10th and Stark, a 2000 Lexus with
California plates was allegedly blocking the tracks, sending the streetcar
into a skid and throwing Bin Laden and Mattress through the windshield and into
the roadway. For reasons that have yet to be determined, the streetcar then
ran over the two columnists twice, before finally being brought to a stop on
top of the two columnists.
Bin Laden and Mattress were taken to Good Samaritan
Hospital, where they were pronounced dead on arrival.
In a statement, the editor of the Mercury said
that the loss of both Bin Laden and Mattress is a great tragedy, but also noted
that “writing one less paycheck won’t break my heart.” However, sources inside
the Mercury, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated it’s no coincidence
that the deaths of Bin Laden and Mattress occurred a week before the debut of
a new column entitled, Passengers I’ve Killed So Far, by the Portland Streetcar.