Thursday, August 30
8:00 FOX THIS IS DESTINY’S CHILD!
The girls get bootylicious in this live concert from the Houston Astrodome.
10:00 PAX DIAGNOSIS MURDER
Dick Van Dyke and Chachi are up to their neck in mystery while trying to discover the terrifying secret of special guest star Helen Reddy!
Friday, August 31
8:00 A&E BIOGRAPHY
The groovy musical career of one of my karaoke faves, Burt Bacharach!
9:00 FOX DARK ANGEL
Max and Logan decide to push their relationship one step further by taking a ride on the wild baloney pony.
Saturday, September 1
8:00 UPN THE GOONIES–Movie
(1985) Sean Astin, Corey Feldman, and that Asian kid who’s in all of Steven Spielberg’s movies look for the buried treasure of “One Eye” Willie. (Helloooo, homoerotica!)
8:00 DSC TAXI DRIVER: RIDE ON THE WILD SIDE
Documenting the hazards of cab driving, including violent passengers, drunk fares, and not knowing where the hell you’re going.
Sunday, September 2
8:00 FAM WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY–Movie
(1971) Candy-making cult leader kidnaps children in this story loosely based on the Branch Davidian case.
8:00 FX A SIMPLE PLAN–Movie
(1998) Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton find a bag full of money and a shitload of problems.
Monday, September 3
8:00 CNBC SUMO: DANCE OF THE GARGANTUANS
Or Sumo: Those Jiggly Fat Guys in the Loincloths.
8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Shannen Doherty’s droopy left eye! Luke Perry’s hair implants! It’s all here in this investigation of Beverly Hills, 90210!
Tuesday, September 4
8:00 FOX MURDER IN SMALL TOWN X
Finally! The identity of the serial murderer is revealed! (For those four people who actually watch the show).
Wednesday, September 5
8:00 NBC LOST
Three teams are dropped in a secret location, and must find their way back to the Statue of Liberty–NAKED!