Thursday, September 13
8:00 FOX GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS
A man ties cinder blocks to his nipples and claims the record for “World’s Most Stretchiest Teats.”
8:00 OXY HYPE!–Movie
(1996) Director Doug Pray’s chronicle of the grunge years. “Hey, look! That’s me! In the flannel!”
Friday, September 14
8:00 FOX THE X-FILES–Movie
(1998) In this film version of the TV show, Mulder and Scully get to say “shit,” and would’ve kissed if she hadn’t been stung by a bee.
8:30 WB MAYBE IT’S ME
Debut! Fifteen-year-old gal goes nutso, thanks to freakazoid family. Starring Fred “Best in Show” Willard, and Julia “SNL” Sweeney.
Saturday, September 15
8:00 UPN FOOTLOSS–Movie
(1984) Kevin Bacon stars as a boy whose foot is snapped off in a bear trap–but still teaches the town how to dance!
9:00 TBS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN–Movie
(1960) Seven gunslingers protect a small village from banditos–and then teach the town how to dance!
Sunday, September 16
8:00 CBS EMMY AWARDS
NO, Buffy didn’t get nominated, so NO, I won’t be watching this piece of crap!
8:00 FOX INDEPENDENCE DAY–Movie
(1996) When goddam stinkin’ aliens blow up his White House, George W. opens up a can of Made-In-America Whup-Ass!
Monday, September 17
9:30 CBS THE ELLEN SHOW
Debut! Failed TV lesbian gets another shot at having a successful show. (Waitasecond… that’s not the plot. That shit is real!)
10:00 NBC CROSSING JORDAN
Debut! Jill Hennessey stars in this remake of Quincy, M.E.… except she’s HOT!
Tuesday, September 18
8:00 NBC EMERIL
Debut! Dumbshit chef gets his own sitcom.
8:30 FOX UNDECLARED
Debut! Freaks and Geeks goes to college! Recomended!
Wednesday, September 19
10:00 CBS WOLF LAKE
Debut! Lou Diamond Phillips stars in this show about ass-eating werewolves in the Pacific Northwest!