This Week’s Question: “What’s Your New Year’s Resolution?”

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“To make sure 2017 is better than 2016, I hereby resolve to treat the universe more kindly, to walk upon Mother Earth with an open heart, to embrace my enemies and celebrate my friends, and to seek out the hidden wonders of everyday life.”—Gary Barker,SE Portland

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OH, SHUT YOUR SHIT-FILLED MOUTH, GARY. Sweet motherfucking Christ, how about you resolve to answer a simple fucking question without making everyone in earshot want to drive a rusty spike into their skull, you blathering barefoot moron? And while you’re at it, here’s another suggestion for how to “make sure 2017 is better”—shave off that pube-pile you call a beard, shower with water instead of patchouli, and cram your didgeridoo up your didgeri-ass. Namaste, you shitbird imbecile!

Since 2000, Frank Cassano has authored “Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade,” the only worthwhile thing in the Portland Mercury. His interests include fuck you.