M E M O R A N D U M
TO: Republican Candidates
FROM: GOP HQ
SUBJECT: Self-defense
techniques
It has been brought to our attention that some of you are being vigorously pursued by members of the mainstream media (aka “The enemy of the American people,” “fake news,” and “among the most dishonest human beings on earth”).
This is vital: They may ask you about the AHCA. When doing so, they may put a recording device near your face.
THIS IS AN ACT OF VIOLENCE. If they are allowed to ask you a question and you are forced to answer it, it will be super duper bad because the AHCA, as we all know, is hella bad legislation. If we’re honest, it’s as if Mr. Burns, Gordon Gekko, and Scrooge McDuck spent a weekend in Palm Beach trying to figure out a way to make poor people die faster.
But that’s not the point. The point is, journalists are bad hombres, and the violence of their iPhones needs to be met with the violence of your hands and feet and knees and elbows.
How can you accomplish this? Here are some high-risk scenarios and self-defense techniques to counteract them.