Hey, Everybody: I’m on vacation, and this
column is a repeat–but a very, very special repeat. I recently told a woman who
signed herself “Confused” that it was unreasonable for her not to give a few blowjobs
to save her marriage. The mail has been pouring in ever since, from angry women
(and their fathers), all insisting that no woman should give head if she doesn’t
dig it. When I replied that oral sex is now standard and not some bizarre kink
that a guy has to feel guilty for expecting or asking for, even more mail poured
in.
“How DARE you make women who don’t like giving head feel guilty,” wrote one
angry reader, adding the inevitable, “Your column on oral sex was the moral
equivalent of rape.”
Sigh.
Well, just to prove that I’m an equal opportunity guilt-tripper, here’s a
column I wrote a few years ago about men who won’t eat pussy. Interestingly enough,
I didn’t get any outraged letters from women (or their dads) when I suggested
that men have a duty to go down on their wives and girlfriends.
I am a 24-year-old female and my husband is a 37-year-old male. I have
a very serious problem when it comes to our sex life: My husband doesn’t give
me any foreplay or oral sex. I ask for it very nicely–how much I would like
for him to do it–but it just don’t get done: his knees always hurt, or he has
a backache. Backache or not, he likes for me to do him. Lately I’ve been thinking
of seeking comfort from someone a little younger. Could you give me some of
that clever rude advice on how to ask him to give me some head?
-Backed Up
P.S. I haven’t had an orgasm in three years.
Here’s a snappy, smart-ass line that might do the trick: “Eat my pussy or
I’ll break your fucking legs.” If that doesn’t work, try this one: “Honey, you’re
going to eat my pussy or I’m going to divorce your sorry ass.” Or the next time
he wants some head, say: “Does my baby lamb want a blowjob? Well fuck off, you
selfish, unresponsive bastard. Do you know it’s been three years since I had
an orgasm? Suck your own goddamned dick!”
As for steppin’ out for the oral sex you deserve: Go for it. Your husband
sounds like the type who’d rather be cheated on than pestered for sex. Find
yourself a hot number around your own age with a tongue that won’t quit. Then
take out a large life insurance policy on the box of rocks you married, encourage
him to take up drinking and driving, and keep your fingers crossed.
I’ve been with the same man for a wee bit over a year now, and generally I’m
pretty happy with him. He says he’s crazy about me, and I believe him. But there’s
one problem–he won’t eat me out! He says he doesn’t like the way it tastes.
On one occasion he said, “I won’t eat something that tastes like chicken and
smells like fish.” Do you have any ideas or incentives for him to submit to
pleasuring my nether folds with his beautiful tongue?
–Unlicked, Unsatisfied, Unhappy
Find yourself a new lover. Personally, I don’t think women should waste their
time dating men who think pussy is disgusting; on some level, they think women
are disgusting. Why would you date someone who finds you, and your genitals,
revolting? I wouldn’t waste half an hour, let alone a year, on a guy who wouldn’t
put my dick in his mouth. Why straight girls condescend to date boys who won’t
eat pussy is beyond me. Dump him.
I am a nice healthy, handsome male in my late 20s, and I’ve been single since
coming out at age 16. The longest relationship I had totaled somewhere around
three weeks. I meet a guy, we get along, sex sometimes follows, and then he
reveals a boyfriend, lover, or wife, or a disinterest in going any further.
A bit of background: I am and have always been extremely attracted to bodybuilders
(who isn’t?), mostly because I am thin and boyish and love the domineering appearance
and physical beauty of muscular men. I have a difficult time hooking up with
potential partners, dates, etc., because this type of man is generally attracted
to his own type. Even at the gym, I am unsuccessful at catching Hercules’ eye.
I’ve tried the personals and met some guys, but no one I was physically
attracted to; and the few times I was, they never called again. I get frustrated
and wonder what I’m doing wrong. Do I need psychological guidance, or do I need
to lower my standards and settle for someone I’m not really attracted to for
the sake of having a relationship?
-Lost In Paradise
You hit the nail on the head: Do you need to lower your standards? Yes you
do, sugarcube. But don’t think of dating non-bodybuilders as a lowering of your
standards–think of it as learning to appreciate the beauty of men who don’t
spend their every waking moment in a gym. Think of it as “broadening your sexual
horizons,” “acquiring a taste for regular guys,” or “growing up.”
Face facts: Anyone with highly specialized tastes who is unwilling or unable
to broaden his or her horizons is going to have a hard time finding a lover.
Deal with it. So get horny for different types of men, LIP, or reconcile yourself
to a long, and potentially unsuccessful, search for your dream meathead.
P.S. Who isn’t attracted to bodybuilders? Me. I’ll take a cute, skinny boy
with the time to read books over an incredible hulk with nothing between his
ears but steroid backwash any day.
Fisting is a topic that continues to drift into my sexual conversations with
my lover. Neither of us have any experience with fisting, but we both have a
healthy interest. Any chance you could help us out with a few hints for first-time
fisters? We await your advice.
-Lulu
You don’t say whether you’re boys or girls or one of each. But fisting, anal
or vaginal, is advanced sex play: Proceed with caution. Here are my tips:
1. Trim those fingernails.
2. Opera-length latex gloves.
3. Anal fisting? Enemas, enemas, enemas.
4. Anal or vaginal fisting? Lube, lube, lube.
5. Start with one finger. Then two, three, four. When your partner is good and
relaxed, make your hand as narrow as possible–press your thumb into your palm–and
slip your whole hand in. Only when you’re “all the way in” do you make a fist.
6. Some anal fisters find poppers help them relax ‘n’ release their butt. Poppers
are, of course, illegal in the United States and I would never, never, never advise
someone to fist under the influence of an illegal drug. But I’ve heard poppers
are very helpful.
7. Go slowly.
8. Remove your watch, or have it removed for you.
