MONDAY, APRIL 8
Long-time One Day at a Time reader, Nancy Terrance, writes: “Dear
Ann. How come you always write about Drew Barrymore, and you never write
about my favorite actress in the world, Christina Ricci?” Good question,
Nanc! And the answer is simple: Unlike Drew Barrymore who makes a habit of taking
on loser boyfriends and openly rubbing other women’s breasts in the marketplace,
Christina is rarely the stuff of public scandal–until NOW. According
to an interview in Jane magazine (on sale now), Christina admitted to
having an eating disorder when she was 12 years old a habit she picked
up from TV movies about anorexia! The oval-faced hottie and star of The
Addams Family and The Opposite of Sex, says she got her tips from
a Tracey Gold movie about anorexia on (where else?) the Lifetime network.
“There was also one on HBO, starring Calista Flockhart [Ally McBeal]
when she was really young,” Ricci recalls. “She was bulimic and anorexic. She’d
vomit into Tupperware containers and keep them in her closet. It was
so crazy to me that for some reason it was appealing.” Appealing though it may
be, we fear that the diminutive Ms. Ricci–who is only 5’1″ and weighs 98
pounds soaking wet–could not produce enough vomit to fill a soda pop cap,
much less a 10-oz. rubber serving bowl. (Ahhhh but we can dream, can’t we?)

TUESDAY, APRIL 9
And now it’s time for a brand-new segment here at One Day at a Time we
like to call, “Those Funny Foreigners!” That’s right, these stories may
have happened far away–but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a laff riot! Our first
story comes from the mysterious land of INDIA, where the residents
of a girls’ college are running for their lives after daily attacks from
rogue bands of monkeys. According to the Indo-Asian News Service,
scores of rude monkeys have swarmed down from the Darjeeling Hills and have
overtaken Loreto College, “destroying at least 6,000 books, breaking furniture,
invading classrooms, stealing food, and clawing and slapping students.”
District authorities claim that due to the Hindus’ belief that monkeys (even
asshole monkeys) are sacred, they can do nothing to stop the onslaught. Oh,
“those funny foreigners!” Now, see, if they lived in America the answer would
be obvious: Get those National Lampoon people to make a hilarious movie
(and one of President Bush’s military tribunals wouldn’t hurt either.
He doesn’t give a shit about the Hindus!). Meanwhile! In the exotic
country of JAPAN, the always-sensitive men of Tokyo have outdone
themselves by inventing a new videogame where the object is to cram
one’s finger up a girl’s ass. Called “Boong-Ga Boon-Ga” [which, literally
translated, means “Cram your finger up this girl’s ass”], the game features
a big plastic posterior of a woman and an accompanying big plastic finger. Depending
on how hard the finger is rammed home, a woman’s contorted face appears on the
screen in various stages of distress. Do you see what’s so funny about that?
No? Well, that’s because we forgot to tell you about the prize one can
receive–a keychain shaped like a piece of feces! Ohhhh, those
funny foreigners and their wacky shenanigans! It’s almost enough to make you
appreciate Oppenheimer.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10
In a bold move to prove himself a bigger idiot than anyone ever expected, President
Bush proclaimed he had “moral authority” on his side today, when
he came out in support of a total ban on human cloning. While one can
understand why he would oppose cloning children (especially after the fiasco
which spawned his drunken twin daughters), Bush is also against any sort of
therapeutic cloning that would help patients grow their own tissue transplants
and cure a myriad of diseases. However, Republican Sen. Arlen Specter,
among others, is against the total ban, telling reporters, “Ideology has no
place when it comes to medical science. There have been attempts by government
to stifle science. Galileo was imprisoned because he followed Copernicus,
who said the world was not flat.” Bush responded to this statement by ordering
the military to once again start bombing caves in Afghanistan in a desperate
attempt to find this traitor named Copernicus.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11
In a story ripped from the pages of The Oregonian–no, seriously
we stole it directly from The Oregonian–Nancy Jodoin of Eugene
filed suit against a dog leash manufacturer today, claiming their product
severed three of her fingertips. Last April, Jodoin was watching her
daughter play softball while holding onto Flexi USA’s “Flexi Classic 3-5 Retractable
Cord Leash” that was, in turn, attached to her dog–who we’ll call “Rowdy“
for the purposes of this story. Without a yelp of warning, “Rowdy” bolted toward
a group of people, and with him, sliced off three of his master’s fingertips.
“The pain was like fireworks coming out the tips of my fingers,” Jodoin
remembered. “It was quick. I really couldn’t tell you exactly how it happened.”
In addition to taking the woman’s fingertips, the deadly leash was unable to
save its manufacturer from Jodoin’s visceral description of the bloody amputation.
“The snap happened, and it was over,” she said. “It cut through bone. Three
bones.” In a related story, “Rowdy” is also filing suit against the hospital
where Ms. Johoin was treated, claiming they neglected to return his master’s
severed fingers (or his “Kibble and Tips,” as he likes to call them).

FRIDAY, APRIL 12
What are you doing reading this? Why aren’t you in line to get tickets for Episode
II? Don’t you know it opens in a MONTH? What are you still doing HERE?
Why aren’t you in L.A., outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater? There are
seventy people in line ahead of you. What is WRONG with you? Are you crippled?
Can’t you be BOTHERED? There was a time when you would have been first in line,
job be damned. Lawn chair, Vader helmet, light saber. What HAPPENED to
you? When did employment and family become more important than Lucas?
You are a DISGRACE to your generation.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13
The Associated Press reported today, that a woman is suing Pirate’s
Booty corn and rice puffs due to emotional distress she suffered
when the dogged folks at Good Housekeeping Institute found that the cheesy snack
contained (HORROR!) FAT. Specifically, 6 grams of fat that were not listed
on the package. (The label boasted a modest 2.5 grams of fat per serving; Good
Housekeeping found 8.5 grams.) The woman, Meredith Berkman, a chubby
aged 37, believed with all her heart that the Cheeto-like cheese puff Booty
was not only an acceptable diet food, but indeed an ideal healthy nourishment on par with carrots and Dexatrim. So she was indignant indeed to discover that
the cheesy Booty was in fact just the same cheesy shit as all the other cheesy
shit. She did not lose weight, as she had imagined she would, but instead got
a BIGGER, pirate-sized booty. Pirate’s Booty was recalled after the scandal
and a new version is now on the market. The new Pirate’s Booty contains five
grams of fat per serving.

SUNDAY, APRIL 14
According to the New York Times, the popularity of home web-feeding cameras
(such as Nanny Cams and inexpensive home security cameras) have paved the way
for the next wave of reality television–electronic peeping! Yes, anyone–even
you!–can hack into many of these home camera systems. All you need is the right
equipment and a 1970s van with tinted windows (airbrushing optional). This is
how it works: The home cameras transmit a signal through the air to a receiver.
If you happen to drive by in your van with a stronger receiver, you can intercept
the transmission and view it on your laptop. You know how nannies are always
taking off their clothes and vacuuming or having phone sex with their boyfriends
back in the old country. You’ll see it all! Nude nannies! Empty homes
just waiting to be pilfered! So, gas up the Dodge and hit the pavement, kids!
And hey, if you have one of those home camera systems, you might want to tell
your nanny to keep her top on.