This month, I’d planned to tackle something a lot of people complain about: check-splitting policies. I’ll get to that, but first I want to explain something—a lot of things, actually.
After my last column was published, many readers rightly pointed out that it seemed overly concerned with tipping. That’s a good point. It did have a lot to do with tipping. Having been a server, I will write from a server’s perspective (even though I’ve also been a dishwasher and a short-order cook). Servers are, after all, the people who interact with guests. They’re the face of your dining experience. And the main purpose of this column is to shed light on why restaurants adopt policies that might confuse well-meaning guests who’ve never worked in a restaurant before.
Open-minded readers will say, “So that’s why restaurants do that.” And, of course, internet crybabies will complain that servers are entitled and that restaurants adopt punitive policies. (And by internet crybabies, I mean white men between the ages of 19 and 39. And you wonder why the nation is turning on you.)
So think of this column as a sort of public Yelp account that reviews restaurant policies and bad customer—and server—etiquette.
But before we get weeds-deep on policy issues, I first want to debunk and rebunk some restaurant myths.
MYTH: The Customer Is Always Right
Whoever told you this lied. Sometimes the customer is the problem. I’ve 86ed guests for loudly and repeatedly cussing. I’ve been sexually harassed by guests (and staff)—and it’s far worse for women and non-gender-conforming people. And if you feel that the food or service isn’t up to par for what you’re paying, take it up with a manager. Their job is to literally make you want to come back. This especially means you, Yelpers. Have some courage to make your case in person. Moral of the story: Don’t be a dick.
MYTH: If You’re a Dick, We Fuck with Your Food
I’ve been working in the service industry since I was 16 and I never saw this happen. And while I admit it’s not impossible, I’ve never heard any verified story of cooks fucking with your food. They’re pros and they take their job seriously. Moral of the story: Whoever told you this lied to you.
MYTH: Servers NEVER Fuck Up
Here’s a tip: If you’re the only person in a restaurant, the odds of a server messing up your order hovers at around 50 percent. We see you—a table for one or four—and think, “We’ve got this.” But we don’t. It should be a lay-up, but instead of giving you what should easily be superlative service, we’re busy with a crossword puzzle or chatting up the line cook. And we’re sorry. Moral of the story: We, too, can be awful.
MYTH: You Are a Number
Actually, and sorry to say this, this myth is true. Now this isn’t meant to deny your humanity, but the number we assign you is based on where you’re seated. Generally, the person nearest your server’s left is number one. The person seated to their left is number two, and so on. And it’s very important that you stick to the number to which you’ve been assigned. There’s a logic to this. It instructs anyone else who might be helping to deliver your meal where each dish goes. A few years ago, I was serving a 12-top that was mingling and playing musical chairs before service started, but once they were seated and I took their orders, they became numbers. The thing was, they didn’t know that. They continued to play musical chairs. When their food arrived, it was a total shit show. I delivered the fried chicken to one seat only to realize the face didn’t match the dish. Eventually, everyone got what they ordered, but not before the table’s sole vegan—who’d ordered a veggie burger—had eaten a third of a medium-rare cheeseburger intended for his friend. Moral of the story: Stay in your assigned seat.
Having worked every position one can work in a restaurant, I have also been a customer. And I gotta tell you; in Portland, there’s a significant chance of ending up with a server who thinks that the service industry is below them. This leads to otherwise good meals falling the fuck over into shitshow.
I’ll throw in the disclaimer: Yes of course many restaurant patrons are shitty human beings who will be straight the hell up cruel to servers for no reason more than the novelty of Being Served. However, if you’re shitting on your customers for the sheer joy of doing so, you’re awful.
The only person I can say for a fact that fucked with a patron’s food was a someone I worked with over ten years ago. We had a daily regular who was consistently abusive, though for some reason continued to show up Every Damn Day. He eventually got some Visine in his Dr. Pepper (not from me), and subsequently never showed up again.
I’ve been in the service industry for a long time. I’ve liked 90% of my customers, and as a customer, I’m liked 99% of the service I’ve received. The only people losing their shit over not being served exactly-perfectly and with sufficient debasing servility are wealthy people and, yah, usually white men ages 19-100.
“You’re a Number” or a drink or an entree (and at the hospital you’re “the foot” or “the concussion” or… you get the idea.) It’s not personal. It’s all just too much to remember.
When I bartended, I knew all my regulars by face and what they drank and I could pick up conversation from where we had last left off no matter how long they’d been away, but I couldn’t recall names for shit. And heaven forbid that I see one of them on the street. “Yeah… um… Bud Light, how you doing?” (strained smile) I’m just going to go now, because I’m off the clock and frankly I get paid to be nice to you. (My customers loved me. I’m still not sure why.)
(Ditto on the f-ing up the food idea. This ain’t Fight Club.)
ticklesnitch, maybe the fact that you think all customers are terrible and that you get bad tips from all of your customers are related…
Clearly I didn’t say all guests are terrible and tip poorly. I implied some people are just bad tippers and rude to service staff regardless of sex, age, race or economic status. Not just rich people and white people.
I’m a big manly man who also happens to have a weight problem. I’m constantly yoyo dieting, or I mean I have been yoyo dieting. Anyway, I’m the one who orders a salad, a roll, and a piece of baked chicken. Meanwhile my ex, a lady who I live with, has no self control and orders the most manly of dishes and multiple stiff drinks. Every single time the waiters bring out the manly dishes to me. It’s ridiculous. It makes me wonder if they are looking at the numbers or not. How is this error being made?
I’ll field that last one. When its a 2 top most servers will not bother with paying attention to seat numbers, especially if it’s a man and a woman it’s much easier for the servers brain to say “man and woman”. If the server is very busy, or if someone else delivers the food, it’s very easy for the server to assume that the man has the 4-story cheeseburger with fries and the woman has the fish and salad, because ninety-nine times out of a hundred that is exactly the case. in 30 years of service I have often speculated that this is because men are generally more impulsive and guided by instant gratification whereas women are more likely to be thinking ahead with regards to their health or even their weight. Maybe this is why women live longer on average? That said, a good server should avoid any stereotypes (no matter how true) and always confirm that they are giving the right meal to the right person.