MONDAY, APRIL 29
While the tragic events in the Middle East, racial unrest, and environmental
destruction are all worthy topics for One Day at a Time, we all know in
our heart of hearts that the best part of this column is the Hollywood Gossip.
We’re sorry, but while priests sodomizing kids makes great copy, it doesn’t even
come close to David Duchovny dropping a bowling ball on his foot.
Not that he did, that’s just an example. In fact, absolutely NOTHING happened
in Hollywood this week–that is if you don’t count the dredged-up publicist’s
dreck about the are-they-or-aren’t-they romance between Spider-Man‘s Tobey
Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, or the recently discovered photograph of
Britney Spears smoking a (horrors!) cigarette. So today, we are forced
to report some actual NEWS (and we just wanted to apologize in advance).
Get out your black Vera Wang party dress and some sensible dancing shoes,
because today we celebrate the 10th anniversary of the L.A. riots!
Yes, the event that made Rodney King a hit around the water cooler celebrated
its 10th birthday today–and let us tell you, those riots don’t look a day over
nine! On the corner of Florence and Normandie Avenues (where white trucker Reginald
Denny was almost beaten to death by an angry mob), a vigil was held by the
city to show how times had changed. Before playing a classical piece, violinist
Chan Ho Yun announced to onlookers, “We are here to show unity and make
music to show how the communities are in perfect peace, love, and harmony.”
However, apparently many in attendance correctly recognized this statement as
complete bullshit, and started screaming and honking their horns. “This
is a Hollywood dog and pony show,” shouted resident Howard Mack. “You come back
here after dark and see what it’s like!” Another unidentified man yelled, “I was
shot six motherfucking times and I’m tired of this shit!” Though there
were some requests from the crowd to “burn the corner down again,” the demonstration
ended peacefully, and Chan Ho Yun and his violin left without a scratch. Now,
see? That’s progress!

TUESDAY, APRIL 30
At roughly 5 pm today, the artist formerly known and now once again currently
known as Prince, announced he would be playing a sneaky surprise set at the Roseland at midnight following his gig for the old folks at the Schnitz.
And while Mr. Prince seemed a little tuckered out from entertaining the cane-and-walker
set, his one-and-a-half-hour show at the Roseland–which included a surprisingly
un-annoying blues jam–was well received by all. However, as is often the case,
it was the crowd who provided much of the entertainment. Though there
were some diehard Prince fans who showed up early to reserve their spots up
front, this didn’t stop some tardy GAP rockers from trying to shove their
way forward. One particularly egregious example was committed by a threesome
(two belligerent tattooed girls and a fratty guy) who, after forcing their way
to the stage, screamed inanities such as “Big Boob Power!” and spent
much of Prince’s performance shoving their tongues into each other’s mouth.
Happily, this unwanted menage à trois was eventually shut
down by one brave girl in the audience who told them, “Hey! We think you guys
should go stand somewhere else.” Mr. Fratty turned to her and replied, “Why?
Is it because we stink?” And our heroine responded, “No, it’s because you
SUCK!” Unable to form a coherent response, especially in the face of everyone
snickering, the three took themselves and their probable herpes elsewhere. And
THAT, etiquette-fans, is the One Day at a Time “Play of the Day!”

WEDNESDAY, MAY 1
And for the Catholic Church, the hits just keep on comin’! Today Rev. Paul
Shanley, a Roman Catholic priest from Boston, was arrested on charges of
three counts of rape and has been accused of sexually molesting a boy
repeatedly between 1983 and 1990. The boy is now 24 years old, and has accused
the padre of taking him out of his church instruction class “on almost a weekly
basis” and abusing him in “the bathroom, the rectory, or in the confessional.”
And the icing on the cake? Documents show that archdiocese officials ignored
reports of Father Shanley attending a 1979 meeting of NAMBLA (the North
American Man Boy Love Association). But hey! Maybe they thought NAMBLA was some
other Roman Catholic group whose name stands for “Not Another Mess, Brothers!
Look Away!”

THURSDAY, MAY 2
Which is more disappointing: that the Portland Police makes a practice of covering
up the wrongdoings of officers, or that they do it in a really dumb way? According
to today’s Oregonian, a Multnomah County grand jury decided the police
bureau is guilty of covering up an assault committed by Central Precinct
officers Grant Bailey and Craig Hampton outside of Stephano’s
in January. Bailey claims the man in question had shoved him down in the popular
nightspot. But after the man was ejected, Hampton and the man got into a fight,
while Bailey flashed his badge to keep onlookers from interfering. The
indictment alleges that Hampton slammed the man’s face into a plate glass
window, leaving him with a broken nose, multiple contusions and bruises,
and his eyes were swollen shut. “It was obvious to anyone looking at
the injuries to this victim that this was an aggravated felony assault by two
off-duty officers,” the grand jury wrote. They then added, “most of the officers
conducting the investigation and those in supervisory capacities were more interested
in protecting the union rights of the suspect officers than the rights of the
victim.” Hmmm now refresh our memorywe know Chief Kroeker is a Christian,
but does this make him a Roman Catholic?

FRIDAY, MAY 3
Today the Midwest went apeshit when the Associated Press reported that
five pipe bombs had exploded in rural mailboxes in Illinois and
Iowa. Whether the bombs were the work of an al Qaida operative or just some
drunken farmer-terrorist remains to be determined. The bombs were placed in
communities that formed a rough triangle around Davenport, Iowa. (Note to authorities:
Maybe poke around a little there?) Eight devices total were found, and five
detonated. At lease five people were injured. “I don’t want to get blown
up,” Donna Millwright, a letter carrier in Dubuque County was quoted as
saying. We don’t blame you, Donna. Who is this disgruntled trouble-making pipe
bomber? No one knows. The bombs were found with vaguely threatening notes, signed,
“Someone Who Cares.” Our theory? This whole thing has something to do with J.
Crew catalogs.

SATURDAY, MAY 4
The DAVENPORT MAD FARMER is on his way to the West Coast! Six pipe
bombs were found today in rural Nebraska mailboxes sending already ape shit
Midwesterners into a state of full-blown mental psychosis. As Nebraska
is between Iowa and Here, we can only conclude that the Davenport Mad Farmer
is on his way to OREGON! Don’t worry. Here’s what you can do to protect
yourself:
1) If you see a bomb sticking out of your mailbox, don’t open it.
2) If you see wires sticking out of your mailbox, don’t open it.
3) If you see a pipe on, near, or in your mailbox, don’t open it.
4) Make your roommate check the mail.
5) Insure your hands and eardrums.
6) Use email.

SUNDAY, MAY 5
Thank Christ! The Oregonian reported today, that there is a good possibility
that the Nebraska mailbox pipe bombs were NOT the work of the Davenport
Mad Farmer, but instead the reckless, havoc-wreaking malarkey of an 18-year-old
copycat St. Paul punk. Said punk has been arrested. So where will the
Davenport Mad Farmer strike next? Heroic mail carriers throughout the Midwest
still plan to deliver mail as scheduled today, though they will only deliver
to open mailboxes. (Note to authorities: REALLY. We think you should look in
DAVENPORT.) In the meantime, we suggest that you get yourself taken off the
J. Crew mailing list.

Send your One Day at a Time “Play of the Day” to ann@portlandmercury.com