Dear Stormy,
First of all, I want to start by saying I really admire your work. I watched Two Girls for Every Girl 2 without ever seeing the original, and you brought me into the story so effortlessly. I enjoyed Good Will Humping as well, but Two Girls is really your Citizen Kane.
I know there’s a lot of talk out there about whether or not you slept with my husband in 2006 and then took $130,000 in hush money from his attorney Michael Cohen just a month before the 2016 election.
Here’s the thing, Stormy (I feel like I know you personally after watching Witches of Breastwick as many times as I have!) — a lot of women who are married to gross and disgusting men are grateful to porn stars for making movies that distract our husbands. Maybe if they watch enough of you doing stuff to other men (and women! What what!), they won’t need for us to do anything with their penises. But you, Stormy, went the extra mile, and for that, I applaud and support you.
I support you because… well, I don’t know how well you know Donald, but he’s definitely the worst. Have you seen that weird thing he does with his mouth when he talks? He looks like a suckerfish I had back in Slovenia when I was 12.