Sure, there are three new e-scooter companies in Portland—Bird, Skip, and Lime—but they’ve all got one big problem: TOO MANY RULES! They insist that their e-scooter riders wear helmets (WHAAAAT?), stay off the sidewalks (YOU ARE KIDDING ME), and park their scooters responsibly (HAHAHAHAAAAAA… RIGHT). Well, Portland’s newest e-scooter company, SCROOT™, says “scroo” the “roolz,” bro! HIGH FIVE!
Here’s Why Bangin’ Bros Like You Love SCROOT™:
✷ We don’t require helmets! Because you look stupid in them, and brain damage is AWWWWWESOME!
✷ Most e-scooter companies frown on more than one rider at a time. We say, “Invite the entire frat (or your tech company’s product vision department) to pile on!”
✷ Finished SCROOTING? Park your SCROOT™ anywhere you fucking want in the middle of the sidewalk, street, or bike lane, on top of other cars, in protected wetlands, even in OHSU’s cancer research center!
✷ Other e-scooters are limited to 15 mph—ours go from zero to 75 mph in nine seconds. Eat our scoot dust, shitheads!
✷ Those puny batteries that Bird e-scooters use are weaksauce, my dudes! SCROOT™ scooters are super-powered by white male rage and Peet’s Coffee.
✷ And SCROOT™ is the only e-scooter company that provides onboard vaporizers. #VAPELYFE #4LYFE
✷ Finally, do these other e-scooter companies (and city leaders) really expect us to ride in “bike lanes” and “the street”? FUCK THAT RIDICULOUS NONSENSE. You can ride SCROOT™ scooters anywhere the FUCK you want: in public parks, on sidewalks and wheelchair ramps, inside malls and the bulk aisle in New Seasons—and especially UP IN DA CLUUUUB! Amirite, broskis? AIRHORN!
So forget those rule-lovin’ e-scooters from other companies—SCROOT™ is the ONLY WAY TO SCOOT!
AIRHORN!
No helmets required but still the source of the majority of head injuries in the USA – check.
Pack your whole crew of drunken morons together and travel around – check
Achieve high speeds in public areas – check
Take up tons of public space for nearly free, block access to stuff, and sometimes bust through a wall to park in the middle of a house or convenience store – check
Have devices built in to distract pilots and even facilitate smoking and drinking – check
Use as fuel a globally destructive substance that is explosive and poisonous – check
Brilliant satire. This is obviously an article about cars.