This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?

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I do not like them! They look dangerous, and I already have trouble seeing bicyclists when I drive.

—Anne Helman, NE Portland

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Shut the fuck up, Crypt Keeper! Here’s what “looks dangerous”: YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A TWO-TON CAR! I’m less worried about some dweeb on a child’s toy running over my foot than I am of some moldy-oldie (like YOU) careening down Burnside in a ’69 Buick with bloody bone fragments in the grill! If you need to get to Jo-Ann Fabrics so goddamn desperately, take the fucking bus. Your dirty Depends will fit right in! Normally, I’d conclude by inviting you to eat shit and die—but so far, you’ve only been able to do one of those things right.

—Frank Cassano

Since 2000, Frank Cassano has authored “Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade,” the only worthwhile thing in the Portland Mercury. His interests include fuck you.