Good Morning, News: Pelosi Schools Trump, Theresa May’s in Trouble, and Michael Cohen Goes to Jail

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Nancy Pelosi Schools Donald Trump, as Chuck Schumer and Waxen Figure Look On Mark Wilson / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I only want to die alive. Never by the hands of a broken heart. I don’t wanna hear you lie tonight, now that I know who I really am. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

If yesterday’s meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer is any indication, Trump is in for some trouble next year. The Democrats meticulously used the president’s own ego against him, getting him to admit that if there is a government shut down, it will be his fault. Republicans are not happy, and following Pelosi’s performance, the misogynist Trump will have to face the uncomfortable fact that he was outmaneuvered by a woman. (Psst! Check out the hilarious video at the end of this post—you’ll be glad you did.)

BREAKING: Results of popular home DNA kit leaked, reveal @VP Pence is cousin of Disney’s Audio-Animatronic Abraham Lincoln, but without the soul, intellect and facial expressions. pic.twitter.com/GKGkBcpOng
— Women’s March + Rally for Action 2019 PDX (@WomensMarchPDX) December 12, 2018

According to an aide, following her scathing meeting with Trump, Nancy Pelosi privately questioned the president’s manhood. In her defense, there’s a lot to question there.

Things are also looking tough for Britain’s prime minister Theresa May who faces a possible “no-confidence” vote today—and from no less than her own conservative party.

Trump’s former lawyer and co-conspirator Michael Cohen is set to be sentenced this morning for his part in helping the president illegally silence two women before the 2016 election.
UPDATE:

BREAKING: Cohen is sentencing to 36 months of imprisonment.

— Adam Klasfeld (@KlasfeldReports) December 12, 2018

Whiney, cry-baby Trump is getting increasingly fearful of being impeached (as well he should), and is now claiming that his “people will revolt” if he’s kicked out of office. Aren’t his supporters already revolting? #SweetDadJoke

Today in “Even the Shittiest of Shitty People Don’t Want to be Trump’s Chief of Staff“:

Rick Santorum goes on CNN and says he won’t be Trump’s chief of staff https://t.co/zYfn3VRHzh
— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) December 12, 2018

It’s looking more and more like William P. Barr, Trump’s nominee for attorney general, has bought himself into his current position. What a great, non-corrupt choice to run the Justice Department!

A judge has ordered business woman and Trump foil Stormy Daniels to pay more than $290,000 in the president’s legal fees after her defamation suit against him was dismissed.

Charges have been dropped against a NYC woman after a video went viral of cops wrenching her baby from her arms.

IN LOCAL NEWS: After a failed attempt to get it on the ballot last year, new legislation will be introduced that could fine gun owners who don’t adequately store and secure their weapons.

The Portland school board has voted to pay $1.2 million to hire nine police officers to patrol local schools without first consulting teachers and students—and people are not happy.

According to a new investigation, it is still way too easy for people to be prescribed opioids in Oregon.

A huge, 1,200 apartment development is being planned for Portland’s “Pepsi Blocks”—the area along Sandy Boulevard that houses the famous Pepsi Pavillion building.

Now let’s look at this WEATHER situation: A mostly dry day with a high of 49!

And finally, this mashup of Psycho and Veep Mike Pence at yesterday’s meeting with Trump, Schumer, and Pelosi is the greatest thing the internet produced yesterday. DO NOT MISS IT.

Psycho (1960) pic.twitter.com/zXIOHHdFjJ
— Ryan Middleton (@ryanmiddleton) December 11, 2018