Credit: Mark Wilson / Getty Images

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Preparations for Trumps Fourth of July Jerk-Off Party are underway!
Preparations for Trump’s Fourth of July Jerk-Off Party are underway! Mark Wilson/Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I’ll be your twenty-four carat gold, to warm the nights when you get cold. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Almost certainly because of events that took place during this past weekend’s protest—which included an attack on a right-wing writer and cops spreading unsubstantiated information about cement-laced milkshakes—Portland City Hall received a bomb threat. It’s suspected that the call came from out-of-state, and the incident is being investigated further.

After being punched, silly-stringed, and milkshaked by Antifa members, local right-wing writer and Patriot Prayer defender Andy Ngo was hired to describe his experience in the Wall Street Journal, thereby allowing him to push his wrongheaded views to an even bigger national audience. Soooo… good work making the rest of us look bad, guys.

Mayor Wheeler and Chief Outlaw expressed support to the cops for their work during this weekend’s protests—though Wheeler pushed back against Police Union president Daryl Turner for claiming that the mayor’s office has “handcuffed” the cops (read: not allowed them to institute a police state).

IN NATIONAL NEWS: A watchdog for the Department of Homeland Security filed a DAMNING report that provides a horrifying look (which includes graphic photos) of the squalid, overcrowded conditions at Trump’s migrant concentration camps on the southern border of Texas.

A whopping $2.5 million in taxpayer dollars that was intended to go toward improving National Parks is instead being diverted to Trump’s self-congratulatory Fourth of July extravaganza. That is some bullshit right there.

Despite Trump’s claims, Pentagon chiefs and military leaders are not at all psyched by the president’s expensive, politicized Fourth of July party and are sending lackeys in their place.

Hey, some good news: After being blocked by the Supreme Court, the Trump Administration will not be including a racist citizenship question on the US census.

Also some GOOD NEWS:

A new Washington Post/ABC News poll reveals that Uncle Joe Biden is still the fave Democratic presidential challenger, followed by Bernie Sanders and then a two-way tie between Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren who are showing no signs of slowing.

The US Women’s team won 2-1 against England in a nail-biting semi-final match yesterday in France. Check out the hilarious recap from our Erin Jean O’Regan!

IN OTHER LOCAL NEWS: Gov. Kate Brown vows that she won’t back down from her climate change agenda, vowing to use her executive action to get it done if legislators can’t come to any agreement.

While the beloved Foster Burger is closing, the space will be taken over by Thunderbird Bar who has lots of burger-centric plans. Our Ned Lannamann has that story!

And if you like laughing your guts out, don’t miss tonight’s hilarious I, Anonymous Show (7:30 pm, Curious Comedy Theater) featuring the wickedly funny James Barela, Jake Silberman, Becky Braunstein, and your host Kate Murphy! Get your cheap tickets here now!

Now let’s look at this WEATHER situation: A potentially drizzly morning leads to a partly cloudy day with a high of 74, which in turns lead to a gorgeously sunny FOURTH OF JULY! It’s gonna be a perfect day to get outside and NOT watch Trump’s anti-patriotic masturbation-fest.

And finally, THIS:

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)