Savage Love: Woman Into Bisexual Guys Nearly Wrings Her Hands Off

I’m a 25-year-old straight woman. I’ve been a reader of yours since I was in high school and have always put a high value on your advice. For as long as I can remember I’ve been especially attracted to bisexual men. If I were to honestly write up a description of my type, bisexual would be a characteristic on that write up. And for about as long as I’ve been aware of it, I’ve agonized over whether or not my interest in bi men is somehow biphobic or wrong.

To clarify, I’m not into bi men because I think they are more like women or something. Nor do I think they would be more open to a group sex scenario (as someone with social anxiety, the mere idea of group sex makes me feel sick). I’m not afraid of/hoping my partner will be attracted to other men or will cheat on me. I don’t THINK I’m fetishizing bisexuality, since I’m not exclusively interested in bi men, nor do I fantasize about my partners being bi. But in the same way that someone might be more attracted to a person if they find out they’re a musician, I tend to be more attracted to men when I find out they’re bi. I think I like attraction to men being something my partner and I share. I think I also feel that when a man comes out to me it shows a level of trust, bravery, and emotional vulnerability, especially if he’s not out publicly. All of those things are attractive on their own.

As much as I try to intellectualize it, though, the conclusion remains that I find bi men hot. My questions are: Am I somehow fucked up for having this attraction? And if I ended up in a committed relationship with a bisexual man, should I tell him or should I keep that particular interest to myself?

Bi Interested

There are sooooooo many straight women out there who are repulsed by bisexuality—particularly male bisexuality—and sooooooo many bisexual men are married to these women, BI, and it ain’t good for ’em:

[Bisexuals] who were currently in a heterosexual relationship, and especially those who were in a heterosexual relationship with a partner who was not accepting of the respondent’s bisexuality, were also much more prone to disclose mental health difficulties and general psychological distress. These were bisexuals struggling with being unable to express their bisexuality, perhaps attempting to suppress or contain their same-sex attractions, who felt that their primary partner wished they were not bisexual.

That’s Dr. David Ley, the sex researcher, summarizing a recent published study involving more than 2,500 Australians who identify as bisexual. “The study replicated many historical findings—and demonstrated staggering levels of emotional struggles,” Ley wrote at Psychology Today. More than half the subjects reported “either high or very high levels of psychological distress,” half reported thoughts of self-harm or suicide, and a quarter had attempted suicide. And bisexuals who reported having partners who were disgusted by their bisexuality were far likelier to evidence distress—and suffer from thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation—than bisexuals who had partners who embraced their bisexuality.

In other words, BI, you’re going to make some lucky bi guy out there very happy someday. But before you can do that… you’re going to have to crawl out of your own ass. Stop worrying whether you’re “fetishizing” bi guys and get the fuck on with dating them!

And you know what? Even if you were attracted to bi guys because you wanted to have group sex* or because your panties positively dissolved at the thought of your husband expertly** sucking dick right in front of you… that would be fine! Any guy you dated seriously would have to bring more to the table/bed/orgy than just his sexual orientation, of course; you’d have to be emotionally compatible and want—roughly—the same things out of life. But there’s nothing wrong with finding bisexuality itself an inherently appealing and even arousing trait in a prospective partner. Personally, BI, I’ve been especially attracted to homosexual men*** for as long as I can remember—I find gayness in males very appealing—and it’s no coincidence my husband is a homosexual. But I wouldn’t have a husband now if I’d sat around in my twenties sitting wondering whether my attraction to gay men was homophobic, fetishizing, objectifying, etc., instead of acting on that attraction.

And yes to telling your future bi husband that his biness is one of things you love about him. Better your bi husband knows you dig his biness than for your bi husband to worry his sexual orientation is something you tolerate or, even worse, something that repulses you.

* Not all bisexual people are into group sex.

** Not all bi guys are expert cocksuckers.

*** I also find bisexual men hot, of course—basically, give me a guy who loves himself some dick.