Did your favorite movie or gender get excluded from this year’s Oscar nominations? Are you tired of the OBJECTIVELY BEST films, performances, and behind-the-scenes artists being snubbed? WE ARE TOO! That’s why the Portland Mercury has put together our own award ceremony called THE SNUBBIES—in which those who have been snubbed shall be snubbed no more! (It also gives us a chance to bitch and moan about other things we hate about the film industry. We waste a crazy amount of time in this office discussing things that are ultimately inconsequential.)
HERE ARE THE 2020 SNUBBIE JUDGES: Bobby Roberts, Blair Stenvick, Robert Ham, and Wm. Steven Humphrey.
• The Best Little Women Adaptation that Apparently Directed Itself: Little Women
• Worst Actor Who Got Two Nominations for Two Bad-to-Okay Movies: Scarlett Johannsson – Jojo Rabbit, Marriage Story
• The Best “Best Actress” List of Best Actresses Who Didn’t Get Nominated for “Best Actress” this Year Despite Being Better at Being Best Actresses than the Actual Best Actress Nominees:
Awkwafina – The Farewell
Jennifer Lopez – Hustlers
Lupita Nyong’o – Us
Elisabeth Moss – Her Smell
Mary Kay Place – Diane
• The Best Film Celebrating the Acceleration of Global Warming: Ford v. Ferrari
• Best Actor Who Deserves Two Nominations for a Single Movie: Lupita Nyong’o – Us
• Best Pronunciation of “Oregano” in a Movie: Jonathan Pryce, Two Popes (“Eh-rehhhhhhh-gno”)
• Best Directors Who Are Most Helpful Around the Office and Always Clean Up After Parties and Really, It Just Wouldn’t Be the Same Without Them!!!:
Greta Gerwig – Little Women
Lorene Scafaria – Hustlers
Lulu Wang –The Farewell
Olivia Wilde – Booksmart
Melina Matsoukas – Queen and Slim
• The Best Directors Who Made Highly Acclaimed Movies in 2019 Who are Apparently Somehow NOT as Good at Directing Movies as Road Trip’s Todd Phillips:
Terrence Malick – A Hidden Life
Pedro Almodovar – Pain & Glory
Zhang Yimou – Shadow
Claire Denis – High Life
Jim Jarmusch – The Dead Don’t Die
• Another List of Best Directors Who Made Highly Acclaimed Movies in 2019 Who Aren’t Mentioned in the Above List of Directors, but Were (Somehow) Judged to Have Made Less-Deserving Work than the Wan, Off-Key Scorsese Karaoke that is Joker:
Rian Johnson – Knives Out
Lulu Wang – The Farewell
Celine Sciamma – Portrait of a Lady on Fire
The Safdie Brothers – Uncut Gems
Melina Matsoukas – Queen & Slim
• Most Inexplicable Musical Number: “Into the Woods” by Kristoff in Frozen 2, which parodies Peter Cetera who no one even remembers, and… ohhhhhh, I get it now…. IT’S A TRAP!
• Best Actor Who Was Nominated for the Wrong Role: Florence Pugh (for Little Women over Midsommar)
• Special Achievement in Snacking and Sassing in a Feature Film: Evil Captain America – Knives Out
• Best Supporting Cable-Knit Sweater: The cable-knit sweater snugly caressing Evil Captain America’s delicious pecs – Knives Out
• The Best “Best Actor” List of Best Actors Who Didn’t Get Nominated Because Joaquin Phoenix Put on Clown Makeup and Adam Driver Punched a Wall:
André Holland – High Flying Bird
Choi Woo-shik – Parasite
Huang Jue – Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Robert Pattinson – The Lighthouse
Franz Rogowski –Transit
• The Best Movie that I Didn’t Watch Because I’m Already Being Driven Crazy by Trump’s Non-Stop Criminal Antics, and I Just Need a Fucking Break, Is That Okay With You?!?: The Report
• Best Performance by a Former Goonie Turned Into a Purple Ecoterrorist Nutsack Man Bent on Universal Genocide: Josh Brolin – Avengers: Endgame
• Best New Streaming Service that You Couldn’t Wait to Sign Up For, Until You Realized That After You Finished The Madalorian There’s Nothing Left Except That Darn Cat and Good Luck, Charlie: Disney Plus
• There Was No Better Movie in 2019 than Booksmart: Booksmart
• Worst Awards Show Host… Like, Even Worse than No Host: Ricky Gervais
• Best Musical Biopic About a Gay Man That Actually Included Gay Sex: Rocketman
• Best Musical Biopic In Which the Lead Actor Actually Sang: Rocketman
• Best Musical Biopic Not Directed By a Creep (To Our Knowledge): Rocketman
• Best Joker Sequel of 2020, So the Oscars Might as Well Just Go Ahead and Give It Their Nomination Now: