Thursday, May 1
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON The tribe kicks its scheming and backstabbing into high gear when the 11th person is voted off.
9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE Karen knows she’s hit rock bottom when she’s forced to hire Macaulay Culkin as her lawyer.
Friday, May 2
8:00 FOX BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE–Movie (2000) FBI agent Martin Lawrence dresses up as a grandma to catch a crook! You so craaaaaazy!
8:00 ANI PET STAR Weirdly talented animals strut their stuff. Tonight, a parrot drives a police car (while eating doughnuts and beating the shit out of black people).
Saturday, May 3
4:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY The life and cocaine binges of Gimme a Break! star Nell Carter (partially narrated by yours truly!).
8:00 WB GLADIATOR–Movie (2000) Russell Crowe strips down to kick ass in this sword-swinging thriller.
Sunday, May 4
9:00 ABC ALIAS Season Finale! In this two-hour episode, Will gets charged with espionage, and Sydney puts on a lot of bikinis to make up for the crappy last few shows.
9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER The Fishers’ father spins in his grave when the family learns about Ruth’s new affair.
Monday, May 5
8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR In a particularly subtle episode, the female contestants are forced to swim in a vat of dead mice.
Tuesday, May 6
8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Faith finds a chink in the First’s armor, which is great, but they should really be working on a way to stop me from getting bored to death.
9:00 FOX 24 It’s 5 am, and Jack finds the man who forged the Cyprus tape–which means he’s three hours away from a shower and shave!
Wednesday, May 7
9:00 WB ANGEL Angel is given the opportunity to take over the evil law firm of Wolfram & Hart, which is certainly a step up in blood-sucking terms.
10:00 COM SOUTH PARK The kids discover that all life on Earth is actually an alien reality show that’s about to be canceled!
I’ve got testosterone to loan! steve@thestranger.com