How do you feel about the rise of “passport bros”? A friend of mine rearranged his life after his divorce and now spends about half the year overseas dating. He insists it’s not exploitation or colonialism — just a life hack — since his income goes three times as far abroad. He’s basically able to live like a one-percenter when he’s overseas. You’ve often advised callers to move to new cities to start fresh, and he argues that status matters everywhere, so why not live where your money and status stretch further? He says he’s honest with women, in that he tells them he’s not looking for anything serious, but I still think he’s lying to himself about the power imbalance — especially in the Southeast Asian countries he visits. He’s anti-MAGA, which complicates the stereotype he claims most passport bros fit. He argues that Los Angeles has a huge imbalance between women and men, and that women naturally gravitate toward status, such as education, career, or finances — so why not flip the status equation overseas? Is he an asshole lying to himself, Dan, or has he found the ultimate life hack?
Dudes Unrigging Dating
Your friend isn’t flying off to Southeast Asia because he wants to eat in nicer restaurants, DUD, he’s going there because his “status” rises along with the relative poverty of local women. The worse off they are, the better off he is. So, while your friend can vote Democratic and be honest with the Southeast Asian women he’s fucking about his intentions, your friend knows — and you don’t have to pretend he doesn’t know — that he’s exploiting the women he “dates.” While some women may only want him for his body (and I’d need to see some shirtless pics before signing off on that), poor and/or much poorer women fuck him while he’s “overseas dating” because he lives locally like a one-percenter… and so, however briefly, do the women who fuck him when he’s abroad. He can argue the exploitation is mutual — he’s after their bodies, they’re after his money — and insist, again, that he’s being honest about his intentions, but many of the women who fuck him no doubt hope they’ll be the exception — the woman who convinces him to commit — and that he’ll lift them out of their (relative) poverty permanently. And there’s a good chance your friend behaves in ways that lead each woman he “dates” to think she just might be the exception. So, yeah. I’m putting my money on “asshole lying,” DUD, and not “ultimate life hack,” DUD.
P.S. I’m pro sex work, DUD, which means I’m not opposed to sex that is strictly transactional. But I’m anti bullshit, and your friend is bullshitting himself (and you) when he claims he’s “dating” these women. He’s employing them, DUD, but paying them less than an honest john would pay an honest sex worker.
P.P.S. The Economist did a deep dive into the culture, intentions, and attitudes of passport bros.
I am in a happy marriage. My husband is an attractive, creative, good person that I love to talk to. We are best friends and he’s a great father to our two kids. We’ve been together for fifteen years and married for thirteen. We are both openly bi, but I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman. About eight years ago my libido sank and I just assumed it was because of PCOS and getting older. I had no crushes or desires. The only time we really have conflict is when we talk about me not being affectionate or not wanting to have sex. We were having sex maybe once a month. Recently, I started working with a woman. The first time she talked to me, Dan, my body exploded. Exploded. Like my libido was pounding in my pants stronger than it did when I was twenty. I’ve gotten to know her more hoping it would fade away and we would just end up friending up. It didn’t fade away, it got stronger. The more we hang out, the happier I am, and the hornier I am. My revived libido has translated into me and my husband having tons of sex. It’s also made me realize maybe I’m more gay than I am straight and I’m wondering if I should leave my beautiful marriage and stable family life for the total risk of a new life. I would love to be with the work woman, but she is more of a catalyst for a revelation that I should be with women. But maybe I’m being dramatic. What should I do?
A Whole New World
At the risk exposing myself as a conservative plant… I don’t think running away and joining the lesbian circus would be fair to your kids. Your marriage sounds like a happy one, your husband sounds like a gem, and it sounds like you and your husband are fucking again. While I would never want to be seen privileging heterosexual relationships over lesbian ones… or instrumentalizing sapphic desire in the service of straight marriage (God forbid)… I think your improved/improving sex life with your husband and, more importantly, the children you had together — and the implicit commitment you made to your children when you had them — argue against ending your beautiful marriage.
While you describe you and your husband as openly bisexual, AWNW, you don’t describe your marriage itself as open. If it’s not and you’re in a risk-taking mood, maybe a conversation with your husband about opening your marriage — as opposed to ending it — will satisfy your need to take a risk. He knows you’re bisexual (with a lesbian lean), you know he’s bisexual. Does he know you have a crush on a woman from work? Does he know he has this crush/woman to thank for all the pussy he’s been getting? If not, maybe you should tell him? If he’s as wonderful as you say he is, and if he’s always been supportive of your bisexuality — and if he’s interested in acting on his own — you might be able to have it all: a wonderful husband, a stable home life, and a girlfriend.
P.S. For the record: I don’t think people should remain in miserable, high-conflict, emotionally-abusive or physically-abusive marriages “for the kids.” But AWNW’s marriage is none of those things.
Read the rest of this week’s column here! And this week on the Lovecast: When a woman first started dating her boyfriend, he had a drinking problem, and made some bad moves. The caller told her friends and family about this. But now that he is better and truly working on himself, no one but the caller will forgive him. How can she convince them that he’s a good guy?
On the Magnum, Dan chats with NYC-based comedian Jamie Wolf on why it’s good for men to sleep with women who have a lot of experience, how to stick up for yourself when your roommates are loudly fucking, and how incels could get laid more if only they were nice people. Jamie Wolf rules! LISTEN HERE!
