MONDAY, APRIL 12
A lot of people complain you never learn anything from reading gossip columns. We here at One Day at a Time disagree. One can learn some very valuable life lessons by paying close heed to the disastrous relationships of celebrities… for example! This week’s lesson: NEVER MARRY BELOW YOUR STATION. According to Star magazine, the lengthy holy union between model-turned-actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and actor-turned-10-10-220-pitchman John Stamos has taken a quick exit ramp to Splitsville. After five and a half years of wedded bliss, the pair have called it quits–reportedly because the former Full House star wanted a house full of babies, while the body-painted X-Men fatale nixed the idea in order to continue accepting co-starring roles in shitty movies like The Punisher. It also never helps when you’re trying to gain respect in the movie industry and your hubby is doing commercials better suited for Carrot Top. But! According to the pair’s publicist, “the split is amicable, and they have asked that the media please respect their privacy during this difficult time.” After a moment’s deliberation, the media responded, “Mmmmm… no.” Meanwhile! Here’s an example of a couple that is perfectly suited (at least “station-wise”); according to TeenHollywood.com (our fave new gossip site), guess who’s getting married? Nicole “Simple Life” Richey and Justin “American Idol” Guarini! You never saw it coming, did you? But isn’t it just so perfect? Career-wise they are on exactly the same level–25 seconds away from eating out of a garbage can–and are the best-suited couple since Molly “Samantha” Ringwald and Michael “Jake” Schoeffling in Sixteen Candles! (Look. We know they’re not a real couple. But if you ruin our dream, we’ll never speak to you again.)
TUESDAY, APRIL 13
If forced to watch only one TV show over and over again for the rest of your life, which would it be: The Nick and Jessica Variety Show, or tonight’s hour long news conference starring President George W. Bush? (And no, you cannot blow your brains out instead.) For those who missed the conference, it definitely lacked the “pizzazz” of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s tribute to the variety shows of the ’70s. However, it was just about as grounded in reality. Bush gave a 17-minute opening address on his “unwavering commitment to a free and democratic Iraq“– whether they damn well like it or not! He then fielded a bunch of questions, carefully avoiding any substantive answers on how he plans to finish this war, or install a new government in Iraq that won’t eventually turn around and kill us. Personally, we preferred that Nick and Jessica skit about the Wild West saloon, where Jessica plays a psychic bartender who smashes bottles over Nick’s head whenever he looks at her boobs. What can we say? It just makes more sense to us.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14
It was another sad day for feminism after it was learned that a University of Wisconsin gal faked her own abduction in order to get the attention of a disinterested boyfriend. Sigh. What are they teaching at that school, anyway? Audrey Seiler, a 20-year-old sophomore, has been charged with two misdemeanor counts of obstructing officers, after disappearing from her off-campus apartment on March 27, giving the impression she had been kidnapped. When discovered four days later (curled up in a fetal position in a marsh), she told police she had been abducted at knifepoint. Police suspected the young lady’s story was bogus after obtaining a store videotape showing her buying a knife, duct tape, rope, and cold medicine (AKA the “Fake-Your-Own-Kidnapping Kit for Beginners”). According to the criminal complaint, Seiler was upset over her disintegrating relationship with b-friend Ryan Fisher, who had allegedly been neglecting her, and casting “romantic overtones” toward another young lady. If convicted, Ms. Seiler could face up to 18 months in jail. Tsk. Tsk. Was it really worth it, Audrey? We mean, what ever happened to faking a pregnancy? Worked for us.
THURSDAY, APRIL 15
Hollywood Catfight! Hollywood Catfight! Nothing brightens our day like two A-list Hollywood divas going at it over the most minor of grievances. The divas in question? Former American sweetheart Julia Roberts and the never-very-much-liked-by-anyone Catherine Zeta-Jones. According to the Daily Mirror, the two aging felines bared their claws over a wardrobe tiff on the set of Ocean’s Twelve. A sequel to the casino heist comedy Ocean’s Eleven, this film has Julia returning to her thankless part as George Clooney’s girlfriend, with Catherine revisiting her usual role as “the whore nobody likes very much.” All was well and good until Julia got a sneak peek at the frumpy clothes she was supposed to wear. Says an on-set snoop, “Julia didn’t like her clothing… especially when she got a look at the gorgeous stuff Catherine had lined up.” But here comes the salt in the wound! Besides being forced to traipse around onscreen dressed like a hobo, Julia then learned her part also required her to be pregnant and wear an unflattering fat suit! Who can blame her for hitting the roof and sending three assistants to the hospital? Look, all of us–including Julia–saw preggo Catherine Zeta at the 2003 Oscars, and while we won’t say she looked like a beached whale, it’s a good thing she wasn’t nominated for Free Willy.
FRIDAY, APRIL 16
More news from the interesting “World of Pregnancy.” The Associated Press reported today that pregnant Arkansas state prisoners can now give birth without being shackled. Okay. Not ALL of them. Prisoners considered “risky” will be required to wear “soft restraints.” The newborns will still be handcuffed. Apparently the State of Arkansas was concerned that women in labor might take the opportunity to escape during the throes of their gut-wrenching contractions. Why, some prisoners might even plan a pregnancy as a means to escape, biding their time for nine months until they’re taken to the hospital where they could easily overpower the doctor and nurses and hightail it to Boca, leaving the baby on the side of the road with the umbilical cord in its lap. Childbirth is so relaxing and glamorous! The thought of it makes us want to tie ourselves to a gurney, spread our legs and bleed for eight hours.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
According to The New York Times, a new book by Bob Woodward titled Plan of Attack portrays Secretary of State Colin Powell as a reasonable fellow, wary about the whole “Bomb the Shit Out of Iraq” thing. The book quotes Powell as warning Bush “you break it, you own it,” an aphorism Powell aptly dubbed “the Pottery Barn rule.” Other Pottery Barn rules used routinely by the military include: “Don’t steal something you can’t fit in your purse,” “Don’t shoot until you see the creases in their khakis,” and “The asshole always gets his money back.” There are also some “Restoration Hardware Rules”–but these are super top secret.
SUNDAY, APRIL 18
Poor Hamas. Their leader is assassinated by the Israelis. They appoint a new guy. He gets taken down by the Israelis within a month. Now they’ve found a new taker for the gig. Early today, the organization appointed a new Gaza Strip chief, but cleverly refused to reveal his identity. But according to his resume on www.monster.com , he is clean, organized, and has extensive retail management experience. He is seeking a creative job with room for growth. His hobbies include producing pamphlets, organizing street riots, and collecting laser discs. He knows the Microsoft Office suite and Quark (but everyone lies about that one). His last job was working as a manager at the Gaza Strip Kinko’s. Word is, he aced the interview.