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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! 👋 If you love unspeakably sunny days, have I got the week for you! Expect clear skies and tons of sunny sun throughout the week with highs in the mid-to-upper 80s. And to celebrate the summer, I decided to ask the Mercury robot, Debbie, to do a dramatic reading of LFO’s 1999 hit, “Summer Girls” which you can listen to in the audio version of this article above! It will make you wonder if things actually were better in the late ‘90s than they are now. Sincerely, those lyrics are laughably terrible. So check it out! And in the meantime, check out this NEWS.
IN LOCAL NEWS:
• According to the city’s auditor’s office, Mayor Keith Wilson violated campaign finance law during his run for office by accepting single donations over $579 (that’s a no-no) on three occasions—and apparently he would’ve gotten away with it too, were it not for his mayoral rival (and former Mercury “Villain of the Year”) Rene Gonzalez. Wilson reportedly returned the donations after discovering the discrepancy, but failed to do so within the seven day grace period given to candidates, and so, must now pay a $526 fine. Gonzalez—who is apparently still experiencing big feelings following his embarrassing 2024 loss in the mayor’s race—filed a lawsuit against the city in response to also getting dinged with campaign finance penalties. The former commissioner is accusing the city of showing “bias” against him by not charging Wilson for committing the same infraction… which is just sooooo Rene Gonzalez. (You lost, dude! Give it a rest, and enjoy your retirement as a truck stop lawyer.)
• Try as they might—and they really put a lot of effort into it—Portland’s Lloyd Center defenders couldn’t get the City Council to intervene in the mall’s imminent closure. The Council voted last Wednesday not to uphold an appeal of a master plan for the site that will see the property demolished and redeveloped into a mix of housing, retail, and entertainment. A large contingent of loyalists had hoped the Council could save the mall—or at least the beloved ice rink. The mall has seen a resurgence lately with the addition of indie vendors who capitalized on cheap rents due to vacant shops in the mall, but planning experts say it’s a car-centric relic of the past that’s stymied the neighborhood’s vitality. Our Taylor Griggs has a deep dive on the topic, that’s both interesting and informative.
• RIP to the “unofficial mayor of Sellwood,” Nutmeg the Cat, who has died at the age of 19, according to its owner. Nutmeg became a citywide cause célèbre after some annoying busybodies on NextDoor complained about the cat taking up daytime residence in the CVS pharmacy on Southeast 17th and Tacoma, leading to the corporate bosses to consider banning the aged feline from the store. And while the neighborhood submitted petitions to allow the kitty to continue visiting the CVS, Nutmeg peacefully passed away before the matter could be settled. Neighbors are now planning a memorial service for Nutmeg… but do you know who’s NOT invited? The annoying busybodies from NextDoor who I hope are extremely ashamed of themselves, and should find a new hobby—such as minding their own god-damned business.
• In sporting news, it’s do-or-die time in the World Cup, and our resident expert Abe Asher returns to break down last week’s winners, losers, and American presidents who can’t help but ruin everything they touch. It’s all in the latest edition of World Cup Diaries! Find out who’s up, and who’s down, as well as a very smarty-pants prediction of which country might win the whole damn thing!
IN NATIONAL AND WORLD NEWS:
• Ding-dong, the Republican senator Lindsey Graham is dead. After more than two decades in the Senate, Graham—a mewling, sycophantic toady for Donald Trump—reportedly died Saturday evening from “a brief and sudden illness,” according to his office. The D.C.’s medical examiners office has issued a preliminary decision that Graham died from an aortic dissection, or a tear in the lining of his aorta. A war hawk, Graham repeatedly encouraged the U.S. to get involved with foreign conflicts, including Iran and Ukraine—from where he had just returned after visiting a drone factory and meeting with President Volodymyr Zelensky. In the wake of Graham’s death, MAGA is doing what MAGA always does: spreading crazy conspiracy theories about the senator’s sudden passing, and not even letting the body grow cold before fighting over who should replace him. While condolences will and should go out to Graham’s family, he will otherwise not be missed—especially on the Sunday talk show circuit where he consistently embarrassed himself by shamelessly shilling for the Liar-in-Chief. By the way, Trump has ordered all flags across the nation to be flown at half-staff to honor Graham, inspiring me to buy a flag just so I can fly it at quadruple-staff. (Unless, of course, I can fly it even higher.)
• Speaking of death beds, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell has finally broken his weeks of silence to report that he is, in fact, not as dead as everyone thinks. In a statement, the 84-year-old senator said that he had suffered a fall and was “briefly unconscious”—though doctors seem to be at a loss to explain what could be wrong (other than, you know, being extremely old and needing to retire post haste). The absences of McConnell and the departed Senator Graham have put the Republican senate in a bit of a sticky wicket, reducing the number of sure-fire votes they need to increase military funding, and confirm Trump’s nominees as well as the president’s evil agenda. Whoopsy-daisy, that’s too bad!
• The world’s worst peace broker, Donald Trump, continues to fuck up any attempt at a cease fire with Iran, and has been lobbing more all-caps threats at the country following a weekend of aerial attacks from both sides. Talks have reportedly broken down, and Iran is saying they have closed the Strait of Hormuz—a claim Trump denies, going on state media Fox News to say “We’re taking over the strait” (which means he intends to block all passage except for countries he likes—but will still make them pay a 20 percent toll). In any case, the result remains the same: gas prices are going up, up, up along with inflation, inflation, inflation, which will ultimately be yet another sad, lasting legacy of the Trump administration.
• RIP to the late, great actor Sam Neill—a veteran of more than 150 stage and film productions, but best known for his star turn in Jurassic Park—who has died at the age of 78.
And finally… Monday is here. And it’s time to celebrate FAT CATS. Hope you have a good week!
