I’ve been happily married to my wife for fifteen years. I’m a 54-year-old man, she’s a 55-year-old woman. While sex has never been our strongest suit, we’ve made the effort. But she now finds sex too painful and no longer wants to have intercourse. I’m on the larger side, which may or may not be relevant. She’s still willing to do oral sex, which we do maybe once a month. I don’t want to go without intercourse for the rest of my life and have told her as much. Recently, in couples therapy, I proposed opening things up in a variety of ways, all of which she refused to do, saying it would cause her shame and that she’s too afraid it would lead to me falling for someone else.
I sort of feel like we’re at a dead end. I love her and our life and our teenage kid too much to leave her over this. I looked online for a sex toy that would simulate vaginal intercourse, of which I found a few, but I’m looking for something that we could use together, something that would get as close to the experience (for me) as possible. I assume you’ve gotten hundreds of variations on this question over the years and thought you might have a good suggestion.
Not Ready To Go Without
If this is a problem your wife is interested in solving — pain during intercourse after menopause — she could talk to her doctor about low-dose vaginal estrogen, a safe and effective treatment for thinning vaginal tissues due to falling estrogen levels. If your wife isn’t open to talking about this treatment with her doctor, NRTGW, this may not be a problem she’s interested in solving. She may not even regard it as a problem.
If PIV sex was never about your wife’s pleasure — and her pleasure doesn’t get a mention anywhere in your letter — she might not feel motivated to seek out a treatment that might make vaginal intercourse more comfortable. I mean, if all she’s missing out on is providing you with maintenance sex, NRTGW, then she’s not missing out on much. It’s also possible that she lost interest in sex as she aged (some people do) or wasn’t that interested in sex to begin with (some people aren’t) and vaginal atrophy — and the pain she now experiences during intercourse — gave her an excuse to pull a plug she been wanting to pull for years. (Still, for her own sake, your wife should talk to her doctor, as untreated vaginal atrophy is a risk factor for bladder infections, overactive bladder, and other conditions.)
As to your specific question…
You’re in luck! There are lots of different kinds of masturbation toys for men, NRTGW, including toys simulate the sensations of intercourse, such as Fleshlight-style toys with hard plastic shells and softer silicone sleeves. If your wife is willing to hold one of those Fleshlight-style toys between her thighs, you could simulate PIV. But you would have to be careful the toy didn’t chafe and/or slide up and/or grind uncomfortably against your the tissues of your wife’s increasingly sensitive vulva. Intercrural sex is another good option — you put that big dick between her upper thighs, she clenches her legs together, you thrust until you come — and it’s one that wouldn’t require your wife to hold a hardshell plastic sex toy between her legs as you hammered away at it.
And while you’re ordering sex toys for yourself, NRTGW, why not order a couple of toys you think your wife might like to try? Even better, invite the wife to join you while you browse and encourage her to pick out one or two toys just for her. Who knows? A Fleshlight for you, a Magic Wand for her — simulated intercourse for you, stimulating outercourse for her — and sex could suddenly become, well, maybe not your strongest suit, NRTGW, but a far sturdier and much more mutually pleasurable one.
Is it possible to forgive my “straight” husband for cheating on me with trans women? We have been married for eight years and together for ten. In 2023 he became hyper-focused on his appearance, withdrew from me emotionally, and developed a phone addiction. I began to worry he was cheating and decided to snoop and HOLY SHIT. Here’s what I found on his phone: Grindr, Trans-Dating, Signal, Scruff, Seeking, etc., along with very questionable credit card charges (hotels, late-night Lyft rides, etc.) He said he never actually met up with anyone. He said he was confused about his sexual identity because he suddenly found himself attracted to trans women and wanted to unpack what was going on without blowing up our marriage. I get that. My own sexual desires and fantasies have evolved throughout the years as well, but I would NEVER go behind my monogamous partner’s back to explore them!
I eventually found undeniable evidence that he cheated. He vomited, and then revealed he met three different trans women from the apps and fooled around with them. Three times total, two years ago. Nothing since. He claims there were no repeat meetings and no penetration. He justified cheating because we were no longer intimate, and he thought I’d never accept that he was bisexual. He assumed that I’d never want to try kinky shit or help him fulfill his fantasies. I am actually pretty open minded and would have been willing to try things out in the bedroom. But now? Now I am feeling so fucking wounded and betrayed.
We are in therapy. He does seem genuinely remorseful and ashamed. I know it’s possible to forgive, but I won’t forget. So, how do we rebuild trust? Should I even give him a second chance?
Cheating Husband’s Egregious Actions Torment Spouse
You can forgive your cheating husband and give him a second chance — that’s definitely a thing people do (suggested reading) — but there’s no guarantee you won’t regret it. Studies have shown that a person who’s cheated on a partner is (roughly) three times more likely to cheat again. So, although it’s inaccurate to say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” staying with someone who’s cheated ups your chances of being cheated on again. Which is why I encourage people who are thinking about forgiving (if not forgetting) and taking back to consider the (presumably) worst-case scenario — getting cheated on again — and if the thought is devastating, forgiving and getting out might be the better choice.
As for rebuilding trust, CHEATS, that takes time. Simply put, the only way your husband can prove he’s not going to cheat ever again is by not cheating ever again… and you won’t feel certain of that (or certain enough of that) to fully trust him until he’s refrained from cheating again for at least a year or two.
Zooming out for a second…
I think the fact that you weren’t having sex when your husband cheated on you is a mitigating factor, CHEATS, in that the collapse of your sex life made it easier for him to rationalize his behavior — particularly if he had no way of knowing the collapse was temporary. He should’ve been honest with you about seeking sex elsewhere, CHEATS, and the things he was discovering about himself. But the higher the stakes, the harder being completely honest becomes — and stakes don’t get much higher than divorce. If he truly thought your marriage had become a companionate one, he may have convinced himself that getting his sexual needs met elsewhere (including ones he may not have been consciously aware of when you married) and keeping his mouth shut was the least worst option for all involved, you included. And did your husband know you would’ve been willing to explore new things with him before this all came out or is that something he knows now?
I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband’s behavior. He did a lot of things he needs to apologize for, including the expenses he hid from you, you two have a lot to unpack with your couples’ counselor, and he is going to have to make an effort to earn your trust again. But it’s almost impossible to forgive someone if you can’t understand — on some level — why they made the choices they did.
Read the rest of this week’s column here! And this week on the Lovecast: A woman is dating a new guy, and it’s going really well. The catch? He looks just like the old guy, and she’s worried her friends will judge her for it.
In our first After-Action Report, a longtime listener shares her tale of first-time submission. It sounds like it won’t be the last time…
On the Magnum, meet the most suspicious man in the world! It’s Javier Leiva, host of the true crime podcasts “Pretend,” “Criminal Conduct” and “The Ponzi Playbook.” His shows dive into the psyches of the grifters that want to date you. He and Dan talk about how to protect yourself against these scam artists and how in Leiva’s profession anyone could be a scoundrel (in a bad way), and in Dan’s profession anyone could be a pervert (in a good way). LISTEN HERE!
