THURSDAY, JUNE 23
8:00 CBS THE CUT Horrific burn victim Tommy Hilfiger divides the contestants into two teams: uglies and pretties.
8:00 MTV CROSSROADS–Movie (2002) In her film-acting debut, Britney Spears joins pals on a cross-country trip to jump in some boys’ traveling pants.
FRIDAY, JUNE 24
8:00 TLC WHILE YOU WERE OUT/WHAT NOT TO WEAR It’s a self-improvement double cross when a hubby gets the house redone, and a wifey gets a makeover. Neither will save their marriage.
SATURDAY, JUNE 25
9:00 am NBC WIMBLEDON Get yer early morning boner watching tennis hotties Andy Roddick, Maria Sharapova, and Rafael Nadal!
10:00 FAM I WANT TO BE A SOAP STAR Aspiring actors live together on a soap opera set, just to show how desperate some people will get.
SUNDAY, JUNE 26
9:00 FOX FAMILY GUY When The Bachelorette comes to town, Brian is chosen as a contestant (which is funny because he’s a dog?).
10:30 MTV THE ANDY MILONAKIS SHOW A tubby teen gets his own MTV comedy show, while you will probably die in anonymity. Enjoy!
MONDAY, JUNE 27
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN It’s “Italian Night” at the restaurant, which means Chef Ramsay will stick his Italian shoe up the contestants’ ass.
9:00 ABC AIR FORCE ONE–Movie (1997) When terrorist Gary Oldman steals President Harrison Ford’s plane, it’s time for some red, white, and BOO-YAH!
TUESDAY, JUNE 28
9:00 ABC EMPIRE Another homoerotic miniseries set in ancient Rome, this time starring Caesar’s gay nephew.
10:00 FX RESCUE ME Tommy discovers his wife took his kids to Ohio! Jesus, why don’t you just drive them into a lake?!
10:30 COM STELLA Debut! Improv comedy based on the popular stage show.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS When Joey McIntyre gives his partner an onstage mustache ride, judge Bruno Tonioli declares it “Appalling! I loved it!”