Yowza! Step back from that there DVD shelf, ’cause it’s RED HOT! These SMOKIN’ movies are all about FIRE—so get ready to get sweaty with excitement over some cinematic pyrotechnics!
Backdraft (1991)—This movie does its damnedest to make you think fire is a living thing that’s after a group of firefighters (Kurt Russell, Scott Glenn, and one of the interchangable Baldwins). Too bad it didn’t take out director Ron Howard, because this movie’s lame.
Firestarter (1984)—A pyrokinetic child (Drew Barrymore) is born to a couple who participated in a medical experiment in this Stephen King-inspired horror flick. The plot never really catches fire, but Heather Locklear, as the screwed-up mom, sizzles!
Always (1989)—In one of the worst movies ever made, Steven Spielberg teams up with his Jaws star, Richard Dreyfuss. Dreyfuss plays a dead firefighter lookin’ after his still-alive wife and his best friend (Holly Hunter and John Goodman). LITTLE KNOWN FACT! This saccharine film also features Audrey Hepburn, who actually died on the set of the film after one of John Goodman’s many (and ill-advised) fire-related pranks went tragically awry*.
The Towering Inferno (1974)—In this classic ’70s disaster flick, people get trapped in a skyscraper that goes up in flames. (Literally!) Don’t worry—the movie’s star, O.J. Simpson, will keep the fire’s victims safe! Wait—maybe that’s not such a good idea….
Dante’s Peak/Volcano (1997)—Two separate movies that are actually identical—except one stars has-been Tommy Lee Jones and the other stars ex-007/has-been Pierce Brosnan. Other than that, these movies about volcanoes killing people by lighting shit on fire are exactly the same.
Chariots of Fire (1981)—Let’s think about how cool a movie about actual chariots that are actually on fire would be. Imagine the big chariot race in Ben-Hur… but on FIRE! Awesome, right? Well, keep dreaming—because this lame-ass movie isn’t about racing chariots made of fire. Instead, it’s about stupid runners running on a stupid beach to a stupid soundtrack by stupid Vangelis. Stupid!
*Okay, that thing about John Goodman killing Audrey Hepburn is not true. But still, it’s about a hundred billion times more entertaining than watching a spectral Richard Dreyfuss moping around.
