Maybe you loved E.B. White’s classic children’s novel, Charlotte’s Web, as a kid. Maybe the book made you cry, and the movie played a key role in your decision to go vegan. Maybe for these reasons and more, you’re excited about Nickelodeon’s new live-action version of the story, complete with CG talking farm animals and an all-star celebrity voiceover ensemble. If this is the case, I have only one thing to say to you: Quit being such a goddamn sucker.
For all its cutesy packaging and earnest messaging, deep down in its cold, dead heart, Nickelodeon’s Charlotte’s Web is nothing more than a calculated attempt to sell tickets. This movie has been made before, and it’s been made better—but since some genius figured out how to make a cow look like it’s talking, we have to suffer through the rape of yet another childhood classic.
The first 10 minutes of Charlotte are pretty palatable: Tomboy Dakota Fanning saves a runty piglet from slaughter, names him Wilbur, lets him sleep on her pillow every night, then is forced to sell him to her uncle when her attachment to him starts to creep her parents out. All fine. Then Wilbur gets to his new home in the barn, starts talking, and everything goes to shit.
Wilbur is one of the most annoying talking animals in movie history, and after about five minutes of his shrill, squeaky voice, I was ready to drag him out back to the smokehouse myself. The other farm animals are voiced by the likes of Robert Redford, Steve Buscemi, and Cedric the Entertainer—yet despite all the vocal talent, no one bothered to vet the script. The humor hinges on puns, and “jokes” about how sheep are followers.
Maybe adulthood has hardened my heart, but this time around, I found myself sympathizing with the farmer: Charlotte is a creepy spider, and Wilbur would be better off as bacon.