MONDAY, AUGUST 6 Whooo! Whooo! It’s the Britney Spears train comin’ down the track, and… uh, oh. Isn’t she taking that curve
a little too fast? Look out, Britney, look out! Oh no, it’s another
celebrity TRAIN WRECK! Yes, it was another stellar week for the
Britster, one that started out with a minor parking lot car collision
(which she left without leaving a note), and was quickly followed by an
Us Weekly magazine cover in which… well, here’s the headline:
“Topless, drunk, and lonely, Spears seduces a college
student in a hotel pool as Kevin rushes to save his boys.” While
blatantly manipulative and at least partially untrue, this cover is
FANTASTIC.The cover shot was taken by a pal of the lucky college boy in
question, Matt Encinias (who looks amazingly like a hot Jim
Carrey), a young beefy extra on the set of Brit’s new video. After
the shoot, Britney allegedly scooped up a handful of hotties and
whisked them back to her hotel for a topless 2 am pool party.
“Britney was the first one to undress, and then everyone else
followed,” the blabber-mouthed Encinias blabbered. “I turned around and
saw that she was topless and she had fake tattoos of flowers on her
nipples from the shoot.” But before you accuse Encinias of being a
complete meathead prick, instead of banging the “topless, drunk, and
lonely” Britta, he chose instead to escort one of his wasted friends
home. So much for his shot at being hubby number three.
Regardless, kudos goes out to Us Weekly for that great cover. In
a week of great headlines, “Topless, drunk, and lonely,” reaches for
and nearly exceeds all expectations. Maybe Brit will put it on her
headstone.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7 Whooo! Whooo! Train wreck number two
comin’! After keeping an extremely low profile after her drunken
driving escapade in which she road-raged the mother of her
personal assistant with a stolen vehicle filled with terrorized boys,
Lindsay Lohan has finally resurfaced at a brand-new
rehab—and in Utah of all places! The Cirque Lodge drug
and alcohol center was voted one of the nation’s top rehabs
(ooo-la-la!), boasting beautiful mountain views, horseback riding, and
Jacuzzis, and at one time treated both David Hasselhoff and
Mary-Kate Olsen! Now, there’s a pedigree! Of course, the
only downside is that it’s in Utah, where they have their own special
kind of “alcohol monitoring bracelets” called “Mormonism.”
MEANWHILE… While LiLo sits in a Utah Jacuzzi soaking out all
the alcohol in her system, her former bodyguard has been
practicing some armchair psychology, placing the blame for all of
Lindsay’s problems squarely on the shoulders of mommy and daddy
Lohan. Her personal protector for three years, Tony Almeida accuses Lindsay’s parents of various acts of abuse, both
physical and mental. Almeida claims he once had to step between Linds
and her dad when he threw her up against a car and called her “a
slut.” And not only is Lindsay’s mom Dina accused of turning
a blind eye to her daughter’s drunken behavior at the age of 16, she
also allowed her to share a bedroom with underage boyfriend at
the time Aaron Carter. “[Her parents] knew Lindsay was sleeping
in Aaron’s room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who
could benefit her singing career.” We all saw how well
that turned out. But at least LiLo will now have plenty of time
to practice her Mormon hymns.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8 Back on the Britney beat, ex-hubby and
current freeloader Kevin Federline is allegedly drawing up court
papers to get “primary physical custody of his two children.”
Umm… where does that leave the cute college boys from the hotel pool?
Don’t they have a say? MEANWHILE… In the most
unreliable gossip tip of the week, Star magazine reports that
Britney has accused her mom of sleeping with K.Fed. “Britney is
so confused and angry,” says a highly unreliable source, “she told
[mommy] Lynne that she was so backstabbing, that she was probably
sleeping with Kevin just to hurt her feelings.” If on the off
chance that this is true… Lynne? YOU CAN DO BETTER.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9 This week’s theme of stupid moms and
daughters continues with Paris Hilton and her stupid mom
Kathy. When asked what was toughest part about seeing her
daughter in jail, Kathy responded, “seeing the rashes on her
arms and face from the thin sheets.” As we all know, prison
linen is sub-par at best, and their sheets don’t come
anywhere near the 1200 thread count to which the Hilton gals have
become accustomed. So when Paris returned home, Kathy gave her daughter
“really soft towels, and really soft sheets and one of those really
soft, cuddly blankets called ‘my blankey,’ and nice soft
pillowcases.” To finish the night, Paris gave a blowjob to
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear. (It’s true… human penises
can be so rough on the throat.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 Today on NPR’s All Things
Considered, President Bush’s new war advisor, Army Lt. Gen.
Douglas Lute, said that “it makes sense to certainly consider” a
military draft. “I can tell you, this has always been an option
on the table,” Lute continued. (That sound you heard in the background?
Every American between the ages of 18 and 25 driving at no less than
120 mph toward Canada.) Lute noted that, while an option, a draft
wasn’t currently being discussed, and that President Bush does not feel
one to be necessary. That said—just for some light
reading—helpful information on immigrating to Canada can
be found at cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/index.asp.
MEANWHILE… In his weekly radio address, President
Bush announced that “Our new strategy [in Iraq] is delivering good
results” and that there is “encouraging news” from the war-torn
country. Phew. An interesting side note: According to the
Associated Press, Bush’s speech was recorded while he was on vacation
“at his parents’ summer home on the rocky coast of Maine.” Unlike Iraq,
the weather is so nice there now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 So we bet you’re wondering how Lindsay
Lohan is doing in that Utah rehab! Well, let’s look at two
headlines! First, from the Huffington Post: “Lindsay Lohan Cleaning
Toilets in a Rehab Run by Mormons.” (Best. Headline. Ever!)
Meanwhile, TMZ.com took the subtle high
road: “Lohan—Cleaning Toilets 12 Steps at a Time.”
TMZ.com goes on to note that Lindsay is
attending meetings and talking with psychiatrists , as well as “washing
dishes, cleaning toilets, and doing laundry.”
THATREMINDS US… in an
interview with The Advocate, sort of-famous actor Ryan
Reynolds noted, “Hollywood is a place where if celebrities stumble
or basically refuse to actually grow up, they’re certainly not punished
for it. They’re actually celebrated for it.” He also observed, “Now the
goal is to only see celebrities fucking up. That’s become the
choice of a new generation.” Indeed it has, Ryan! Now unless you’re
going to get drunk, steal a car, try to run down your assistant, and
end up scrubbing out toilets at a creepy Mormon rehab center,
we’ll thank you to keep your boring mouth shut.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12 So remember that last election, when the
Democrats took control of both the House and the Senate, and
everyone was like, “Yes! Finally things are going to change!” And then
remember how absolutely nothing changed? And how last week, Democrats
kowtowed to Bush, approving a bill that allows American spy agencies to
wiretap without warrants? Well, Democrat Senator Russ
Feingold, who opposed the bill, figured out why his party lets all
this happen. On Friday, Feingold told the New York Times that
the White House has “figured out that all they have to do is start
talking about an imminent terrorist threat, back it up against a
Congressional recess, and they know the Democrats will cave.” In other
words, say the “t-word” to Dems, and their spines turn to jelly and
their votes turn Republican! Can’t wait to see how they vote on the
draft.