MONDAY, AUGUST 27 Here at One Day headquarters we’re still
busted up over heartthrobby Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt.
Wilson, also known as the “Butterscotch Stallion” for his womanizing
ways, was discovered by a family member over the weekend after he
reportedly attempted to slash his wrists and swallow an indeterminate
amount of pills. Happily for all concerned (especially lovers of
“butterscotch”) Wilson is safe and resting comfortably. But how
did our crooked nosed hero reach this sorry state? While some tabs
blame ex-sweetie Kate Hudson (who has been spied canoodling with
hottie Dax Shepard—whose nose is decidedly straight…
just sayin’), the latest scuttlebutt is that Wilson was battling a
dependency on cocaine and heroin: drugs that were allegedly
provided by British funnyman Steve Coogan. Now… who is Steve
Coogan, you may ask? NOBODY ON THIS SIDE OF THE POND KNOWS. But if
you’re really interested, he portrays clueless chat show host Alan
Partridge on the BBC comedy I’m Alan Partridge, and apparently
it’s not very funny. But then again, we’re not British. Regardless,
according to the Daily Telegraph, both Kate Hudson and
Courtney Love warned Wilson to stop hanging around Coogan, who
is rumored to be a drug supplier to the stars (a claim Coogan
denies). As mentioned earlier, we know next to nothing about this limey
comic, so we’re in no position to judge. However, if Courtney Love is
accusing you of being a bad influence? It’s kind of like Leona
Helmsley saying you should pay your taxes. (More on her later.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28 Super-duper gay Idaho Senator Larry
Craig spoke out today, laughably claiming, “I am not gay. I have
never been gay.” Craig is, of course, the Republican politico who
was allegedly caught engaging in inappropriate [gay] conduct in
a Minneapolis Airport bathroom, pled guilty to the charges, and later
pled “unguilty.” Today after Republican leaders called for an ethics
review of his case, Craig spoke out to the snickering press, claiming
that while it may have appeared that he was trying to engage in
sexual conduct with an undercover police officer, the officer
was wrong because he is SO “not gay.” Craig did admit however that his
super gay actions have “brought a cloud over Idaho.” A really big gay
cloud. That’s raining men. Hallelujah.
MEANWHILE… In “hippie news,” it was the
saddest day for longhairs since Jerry Garcia croaked, because
someone prematurely burnt the effigy of Burning Man—nearly
a week early. According to hippie people we’re embarrassed to know,
participants in the Burning Man festival (held annually in the Nevada
desert) end their week of drug taking, mud baths, and walking around
naked by torching an effigy of a big straw guy. Why? Probably
for the same reasons hippies do that dumb twirly dance and refuse to
use soap. Regardless, San Francisco artist Paul Addis was
arrested today for burning the Burning Man early, forcing the
organizers to quickly build another Burning Man. Which is a good idea,
because otherwise, you’d have thousands of boo-hooing hippies on your
hands, shedding tears that could potentially wash away a layer of
stink, and leaving us with no one to laugh at. (Obviously gay Idaho
senators notwithstanding.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29 R.I.P.s go out to two minor but
memorable celebs: Hilly Kristal, the founder of seminal NYC punk
club CBGB (home to such musical greats as the Ramones, Blondie,
and Talking Heads), who died due to complications from lung cancer; and
former security guard Richard Jewell, who is most famous for
spotting a pipe bomb at the Atlanta Olympics, but was later falsely
accused by the FBI of planting the explosive. Jewell, who died of
complications due to diabetes and kidney problems, spent many of his
remaining years clearing himself of the crime. In related “news of the
dead,” the last will and testament of Leona Helmsley (real
estate billionaire and “Queen of Mean”) has been released, and her
dog is now one very rich bitch. Though Helmsley cut two of her
grandchildren out of her will entirely, she has bequeathed $12
million to her dog, Trouble, a white Maltese, who will be taken
care of by Helmsley’s brother Alvin Rosenthal. (Alvin only
received $10 million—but c’mon. He gets to spend the rest of his
life scooping up the poop of a canine millionaire. You can’t put a
price on that.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30 We can think of somebody who could use a
million or two of Trouble’s money—and that’s professional loafer
Kevin Federline, who has called in the lawyers to get even more
of Britney Spears’ moolah. According to E! News, Mark Vincent
Kaplan (K.Fed’s attorney) filed a legal declaration today asking a
judge to make Britney fork over an additional $50,000… to pay
for Kaplan’s own fee. (Isn’t the legal system awesome?) Apparently,
K.Fed is quickly running out of money, especially since his
spousal-support payments of $20,000 a month are coming to an
end in November! OMG! WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? If he doesn’t receive
Britney’s monthly allowance, how is he expected to… to… to… okay,
we’ve got nothing. Besides eating Cheetos and milking Spears out of her
money, what exactly does Kevin do?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31 Sometimes, all you need is a headline. Like
this one, from the Associated Press: “Andy Dick Gropes Patrons,
Urinates on Floor of Ohio Club.” Hmm. That’s pretty much all we
need, isn’t it? MEANWHILE… Today was the 10th
anniversary of Princess Diana‘s death, and your creepy old
spinster aunt with nothing better to do all day but watch Judge
Judy and listen to “Candle in the Wind” over and over is still
all weepy about it, despite the fact that Princess Di never did much of
anything aside from some lip-service charity work and marrying an
ugly prince. Yes, on one hand, she had an air of “class” about
her that today’s celebs lack. On the other, she never did anything
remotely interesting. Seriously, would it have killed her urinate on
the floor of an Ohio club?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Idaho’s [obviously gay] Republican
Senator Larry Craig resigned today, following condemnation from
his homophobic political party and pressure from nearly everyone in his
homophobic state. “I apologize for what I have caused,” the
self-loathing Craig whined at a press conference, accompanied by his
wife and two of his children. “I am deeply sorry.” Craig then
repeated his bullshit claim that he is not, nor has he ever been, gay,
which absolutely no one believed. Craig currently plans on spending
some time with his family, while giving and receiving anonymous
handjobs in various men’s restrooms. Larry Craig—coming soon to
an airport near you!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Oof. Today was a rough news day, One Day
fans. First, our hopes for the implosion of the entirely-too-happy
Brangelina union continued to dwindle, with the dreamy Brad
Pitt admitting to Italian press today that he and Angelina
Jolie are “ready” for a FIFTH child to add to their increasingly
crowded international nursery. But that’s okay… we could still end up
with either Barack Obama or George Clooney, right?
(Sorry, Hubby Kip. Now go back to giving us a foot rub.) Well, not
anymore, since today Clooney professed his all-out man-love for
Obama. “He walks into the world, and he takes your breath away,”
Clooney gushed about Obama today, sweetly adding, “I’d love him to be
president, quite honestly.” Well, FINE. But we aren’t going to ask our
handsome future president to choose between us and George. That’s an
impossibly hard decision, and we won’t have our Barack making it. So
there’s only one solution—we’ll all just have to live
together. Possibly sharing one big, soft, fluffy bed. In the White
House. And maybe we could have a summer home in the Hollywood Hills.
Kip can give us all foot rubs.