Roland Emmerich has been making godawful blockbusters for over 15
years. His latest, 10,000 B.C., takes place in “a mythical age
of prophecies and gods, when spirits rule the land and mighty mammoths
shake the earth.” Despite the loftiness of that description, 10,000
B.C. wasn’t screened in time for press. Hit portlandmercury.com on Friday for our
review; in the meantime, delve into Emmerich’s embarrassing canon.
Universal Soldier (1992)—A movie about zombie
soldiers starring Jean-Claude Van Damme is fine, but Emmerich also
included Law & Order‘s beloved Jerry Orbach. On his deathbed
in 2004, Orbach gasped, “I led a full and gratifying life, rich with
love, art, and discovery. I ask only that you forgive me for
Universal Soldier.”
Stargate (1994)—A bewildering sci-fi fantasy
that had something to do with ancient Egypt and featured that
squirrelly little shit James Spader. Stargate later spawned
Stargate SG-1, a syndicated television show that, for 10
seasons, has inspired me to drink alone and make detailed diagrams of
the many mistakes I’ve made in life.
Independence Day (1996)—A drunken hillbilly
blowing up an alien mothership? Eat that, Citizen Kane!
If I ever meet Roland Emmerich in a dark alley, I will stab him.
Godzilla (1998)—Ferris Bueller vs. Godzilla! And
Godzilla’s babies! If you or someone you know can trick Roland Emmerich
into going into a dark alley, please email me at erik@portlandmercury.com.
The Patriot (2000)—I’m no scientist, but I’m
pretty sure there’s a connection between Heath Ledger dying in The
Patriot and Heath Ledger dying in real life. Thanks, Emmerich!
Asshole.
The Day After
Tomorrow(2004)—Things that are scary in
real life—depression, bankruptcy, watching 10 seasons’ worth of
Stargate SG-1—are not scary in movies. So we learned with
this global warming fright flick, which also featured Dick Cheney, CG
wolves trying to eat Jake Gyllenhaal, and the phrase “I think we’ve hit
a critical desalinization point!” Weird how sometimes you can type
nothing but random words, yet end up with a totally accurate film
synopsis.
